Denmark Vesey's Plantation

A place to discuss whatever comes to mind.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.
Objects in Chuck Norris's rear-view mirror appear at their correct distances.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
If you try video taping Chuck Norris without his permission you will very quickly be filming the inside of your own ass.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The movie Anaconda was filmed in Chuck Norris' pants.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the f*ck he wants.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 34 7.735
Chuck Norris is the reason for Attention Deficit Disorder. There is no way anyone can pay attention when they know Chuck Norris is lurking.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Ozzy Osbourne ate the head of a bat, but Chuck Norris ate Batman.
Jawbreakers were originally in the shape of Chuck Norris' fist.
Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
There is three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way and the Chuck Norris way. The Chuck Norris way is just the wrong way but with more roundhouse kicks.
When Chuck Norris visited the Vatican, he took the Pope's confession.
Chuck Norris once fell into a pool of toxic waste, and the toxic waste gained super powers.
Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole Shitload of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris uses Viagra eyedrops so he can look hard.
If you stare directly into the sun it will bring some eye problems. If you stare directly into Chuck Norris it will bring death.
Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer because Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
If you know some one who doesn't like Chuck Norris, you won't know them for long.
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take sh!t from anyone.
Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris is like corn. No matter how much sh!t he is in, he still come out in one piece. 25 7.320
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
When Chuck Norris gets in a car crash the air bags do not save Chuck Norris, they save the car.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
When asked why he round-house kicked an entire school of children Chuck Norris replies "I don't like Mondays." When informed that it was Tuesday he replied "I still don't like Mondays."

Chuck Norris invented the internet so people could talk about how great Chuck Norris is.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
During a game of golf, Chuck Norris shot 2 holes in one, struck out 9 batters, passed for over 300 yards, recorded a hat trick, and broke the single lap speed record at Daytona Speedway.
Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
Chuck Norris doesn't see problems. Chuck Norris only sees victims.
Chuck Norris always has the right of way.
As a child, Chuck Norris played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos.
To show its patriotism, the American flag recently got a tattoo of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
The fences at the zoo are to keep the animals safe from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris once caught the common cold, then broke it's neck.
The only reason the Energizer Bunny keeps going and going is because it knows Chuck Norris is after it.
In order to speed up the wait time for death row inmates, Texas added death by roundhouse kicks to the list of acceptable methods of execution. The wait has gone down from 7 years to before you step out of the courthouse.
Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.
It is widely known that Houdini died when a kid punched him in the stomach. What isn't widely known is that kid was Chuck Norris.
Jeeves asks Chuck Norris.
If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

GANGSTA: The Steroids Of Hip Hop?

Living in America makes it always time it pull out the race card. I really smell race stench on the MLB back turning on Barry Bonds this year as he passed the Babe. Not so much in the media itself , but in the atmosphere they fester in their big payback to BBs so called 'career surliness' toward them. The media kind of lets the average sports ( usually white) working class male pull the pin to the grenade they plant, and step back and witness the perfect storm. Fed right into a millennium lynch mob. The Babe will always be a hero, regardless of how much pork was in some of those ingested hot dogs, liquor binges, and chick orgies in his career and especially the year he almost overdosed in all that excess.

It's much of the same demographic that has supported the posturing of gangster rap. Who am I to argue? As I named the group Public Enemy off what I knew was a fascination of 1930's Capone era lifestyle. In the depression era , the gangster was blown up by the media to the largely skeptical Americanation. It was like modern day Robin Hood fantasies come to life or at least the big screen when that aura was passed from the Capones' and Schultzes' to the Edward G Robinsons and George Rafts depicting them. Escapism in rough times.

Like a sport. As with war and cowboy westerns, television era brought guns to the living room during the baby boom. The first eleven years of my life were Vietnamed with violence. Cartoons were laced with bombing, lasers, and thunderous blows in fights, at least the ones I dug. During the depression era of R&B (Reagan and Bush) the imagery of the updated Robin Hood came in rap music. Somehow crack and guns were in post disco black neighborhoods while kept outside of the white privileged Rubelled fueled cocaine laced Studio 54. Its the 80's and as presented by NWA ...surprise niggers, uh I mean niggas..yeah..WTF?

At college radio WBAU around 1985, KING TEE painted a picture to us in the east first depicting that life wasn't all 'soul train dancers and palm trees in the left coast. Better Get A Gun was the name of the record. Caught my attention. ICEburg T brought the tales of that life to the wax , depicting the details of the good, bad, and the ugly. The South Bronx escapism from the reality of thuglife 1980 style was peace, love, unity and having much fun rather than witnessing the broken glass everywhere. Nobody there wanted to hear no depressing sht. It was already right thurr. By 1987 Scott LaRock and blastmaster KRS ONE brought that reality to east coast rap wax with Criminal Minded. Well the answers were no where to be found on who was gonna fix the ghetto. Not Reagan, Nor the next prez Bush. PE found a way to flip all this gun fare and criminality in the air and morph it into black nationality on the remembrance edges of militancy.

By that time white kids invited to the hip hop party through the portals of FLASH, RUN-DMC and The BEASTIES had to walk gingerly on the black paper rug laid down of afrocentricity. It was a entrance fee of respect beyond the registers of retail.

NWA and the POSSE one upped the lyrical pictures of ICE T with a super team of emcees along with a west coast master of records named DR DRE, who produced with the WRECKING CREW and made early mixtapes of largely East coast rap joints sold at the swap meets( I clearly remember a swap meet outside in the parking lot of the San Diego Sports Arena in 1987, where the ever intimidating ERIC B single handedly confiscated every tape he saw with his music on it from sellers he placed fear upon). I think back then it was the good and evil that balanced upon the shoulders of NWA, the righteousness that made DRE say he wouldn't give into the drug-game at the time so easily when he claimed he didn't smoke weed or cess. Crack and mo guns spread to the cities in 1987-1990, the media bias considered everything outside NYC lines the suburbs, and thus called it that way.

The cable privileged side of YO MTV Raps swelled up at the bravado of the black gangsta though. Black guns, style and maybe some ass in the living room on the sneak tip. Besides the nationalism was a bit too much of a price to pay , where maybe NATIVE TONGUE style invited those to the peace, love, unity and having fun thing as BAM intended. The other flip was that the spread of urban reality into the first Bushsht years, brought the aspect of gangsterism as escapism. The Source immediately praises the gangsta black life because the numbers of fascination were higher, and they never knew it existed in the first place. Black folks in the east were tired of the reality of gangsta life. But something was sold under the counter. Maybe via Viacom. Possibly dragging along everything in its path as well. The key balance of conscious ICE CUBE defected to the east keeping the balance, while NWA spiraled to being 'Niggas for the rest of their lives to white amerikkkas praise.

By this time it was about numbers and the quantity was king over the quality of the issues at hand. There was no looking back as one year the Source claimed that everything that sprouted from the Straight Outta Compton existence had generated into tens of millions of records, white the PE, BDP-XCLANish stuff only resulted in a couple million. The numbers were staggering al the way up to these Get Rich Or Die Trying times. Through the murders of PAC, BIG, BIG L, MAC DRE etc , the style was the dominant identity praised by the media. The films followed path of the modern day rapper classic 'SCARFACE' ( which by the way I think is the most mis-followed movie of all time. The world is never his and people ignore his wackass ending...hello? .. there's a message here..)

Seventeen years stemmed from the seed it could've went either way. Taking the reality and making a better situation from it. But the numbers don't lie. It is what it is. 'Die nigger Die' is amerikkkas longest running profitable horror flick. But its a horror flick to my constituency, possibly a chitlin western porno, possibly comedy to the Barry Bonds hating crowd. A sad documentary, in fact, not a friendly game of baseball as MAIN SOURCE said. It might be what it is Amerikkkan like baseball, hot dogs and big apple pie,but let's check the bat and the blood, before it splinters and splatters into the basics of what was originally intended to do. Balance yall.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

My New York Trip...

AWESOME!!! I got to hang out with my better half's side of the family and check out a few reggae record shops, but the icing on the cake happened while my father-in-law was wearing us out by walking us through Manhattan on 42nd Street. As we approached BB King's for lunch, my wife noticed that YELLOWMAN was on the marquee for that night! Cool, but we were going to see The Color Purple Musical. As we entered BB King's, Yellow's guitar player spotted me and said HEY PAPA Wha'agwaan! "Yellow inna de van ova deh so". I walked over to the van & bigged up Desi (drummer) and Simeon (keyboard player) While Yellow chatted on his cell in the back. When he finished running his mouth, I yelled to him "Yellow, A Papa Robbie dis"....Yellow jumped out of his van and introduced himself to my father-in-law and hugged my wife (VERY FUNNY)...What are the odds that my musical mentor would be just outside of the venue that I was going to just for lunch???...We could'nt see his show because we already had plans to go see "The Color Purple".....I truly enjoyed our trip! We'll DEFINITELY be back!!! I need to check a couple more spots in Brooklyn (record shops)