Denmark Vesey's Plantation

A place to discuss whatever comes to mind.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Amen & Amen again.....

The Bible is full of things that make you go hmmmmmmmm....Here's a VERY long list of some of those things. Have a drink, and get a snack 'cause it'll be a minute.....


# God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day from night, on the first day. Yet he didn't make the light producing objects (the sun and the stars) until the fourth day (1:14-19). 1:3-5

# God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the second day) working on a solid firmament. This strange structure, which God calls heaven, is intended to separate the higher waters from the lower waters. 1:6-8

# Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun to drive their photosynthetic processes (1:14-19). 1:11

# In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the sun, moon, and stars in the firmament so that they can be used "for signs". This, of course, is exactly what astrologers do: read "the signs" in the Zodiac in an effort to predict what will happen on Earth. 1:14

# "He made the stars also." God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day's work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. 1:16

# "And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth." 1:17

# God commands us to "be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over ... every living thing that moveth upon the earth." 1:28

# God makes the animals and parades them before Adam to see if any would strike his fancy. But none seem to have what it takes to please him. (Although he was tempted to go for the sheep.) After making the animals, God has Adam name them all. The naming of several million species must have kept Adam busy for a while. 2:18-20

# God's clever, talking serpent. 3:1

# God walks and talks (to himself?) in the garden, and plays a little hide and seek with Adam and Eve. 3:8-11

# God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on his belly and eat dust. One wonders how he got around before -- by hopping on his tail, perhaps? But snakes don't eat dust, do they? 3:14

# God curses the ground and causes thorns and thistles to grow. 3:17-18

# God kills some animals and makes some skin coats for Adam and Eve. 3:21

# God expels Adam and Eve from the garden before they get a chance to eat from that other tree -- the tree of life. God knows that if they do that, they well become "like one of us" and live forever. 3:22-24

# Cain is worried after killing Abel and says, "Every one who finds me shall slay me." This is a strange concern since there were only two other humans alive at the time -- his parents! 4:14

# "And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD." 4:16

# "And Cain knew his wife." That's nice, but where the hell did she come from? 4:17

# Lamech kills a man and claims that since Cain's murderer would be punished sevenfold, whoever murders him will be punished seventy-seven fold. That sounds fair. 4:23-24

# God created a man and a woman, and he "called their name Adam." So the woman's name was Adam, too! 5:2

# The first men had incredibly long life spans. 5:5, 5:8, 5:11, 5:14, 5:17, 5:20, 5:23, 5:27, 5:31, 9:29

# Enoch doesn't die he just ascends into heaven. 5:21-24

# The "sons of God" copulated with the "daughters of men," and had sons who became "the mighty men of old, men of renown." 6:2-4

# "There were giants in the earth in those days." 6:4

# God decides to kill all living things because the human imagination is evil. Later (8:21), after he kills everything, he promises never to do it again because the human imagination is evil. Go figure. 6:5

# God repents. 6:6-7

# Noah is called a "just man and perfect," but he didn't seem so perfect when he was drunk and naked in front of his sons (9:20-21). 6:9, 7:1

# God was angry because "the earth was filled with violence." So he killed every living thing to make the world less violent. 6:11-13

# Noah is told to make an ark that is 450 feet long. 6:14-15

# God tells Noah to make one small window (18 inches square) in the 450 foot ark for ventilation. 6:16

# Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female representatives from each species of "every thing that creepeth upon the earth." 7:8

# God opens the "windows of heaven." He does this every time it rains. 7:11

# All of the animals boarded the ark "in the selfsame day." 7:13-14

# "The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained." This happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2

# Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the dove returns without finding any. Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out again and returns with an olive leaf. But how could an olive tree survive the flood? And if any seeds happened to survive, they certainly wouldn't germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period. 8:8-11

# Noah kills the "clean beasts" and burns their dead bodies for God. According to 7:8 this would have caused the extinction of all "clean" animals since only two of each were taken onto the ark. "And the Lord smelled a sweet savor." After this God "said in his heart" that he'd never do it again because "man's heart is evil from his youth." So God killed all living things (6:5) because humans are evil, and then promises not to do it again (8:21) because humans are evil. The mind of God is a frightening thing. 8:20-21

# According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is true that many do, it is also true that some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for example, are generally much less afraid of us than we are of them. 9:2

# "Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered." God gave the animals to humans, and they can do whatever they please with them. This verse has been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to animals and environmental destruction. 9:2

# God is rightly filled with remorse for having killed his creatures. He makes a deal with the animals, promising never to drown them all again. He even puts the rainbow in the sky so that whenever he sees it, it will remind him of his promise so that he won't be tempted to do it again. (Every time God sees the rainbow he says to himself: "Oh, yeah.... That's right. I promised not to drown the animals again. I guess I'll have to find something else to do."). 9:9-13

# Noah, the drunk and naked. 9:20-21

# The entire tenth chapter is the first of many boring genealogies (see 1 Chr.1-9, Mt.1:1-17, Lk.3:23-28 for other examples) that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") 10:1-32

# God worries that the people will succeed in building a tower high enough to reach him (them?) in heaven, and that by so doing they will become omnipotent. 11:4-6

# God says, "Let us go down ..." Maybe he hasn't been talking to himself; maybe there is more than one of them up there. Well, however many there may be, they all decide to come down to confuse the builders by confounding human language and scattering them [humans] abroad. 11:7

# Another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9. ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") Also note the ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32

# The Amalekites were smitten before Amalek (from whom they descended) was born. Amalek was the grandson of Esau (Gen.36:12). 14:7

# Abraham circumcises himself and all of the males in his household. Since he supposedly had 318 slaves back in 14:14, poor old Abe must have been pretty busy with his knife. But it was worth it. Penises are supremely important to God. And he can't stand foreskins. 17:23-24

# Abraham feeds God and three angels. 18:1-4

# Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause, laughs at God when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she will "have pleasure" with her "Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old. God assures her that he will return and impregnate her at the appointed time. 18:11-14

# God, who is planning another mass murder, is worried that Abraham might try to stop him. so he asks himself if he should hide his intentions from Abraham. 18:17

# "And the Lord went his way." Now where might that be? 18:33

# The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and are sexually irresistible to Sodomites. 19:1-5

# Lot [the just and righteous (2 Pet.2:7-8)] offers his daughters to a crowd of angel rapers. 19:8

# Lot lied about his daughters being "virgins" in 19:8. But it was a "just and righteous" lie, intended to make them more attractive to the sex-crazed mob. 19:14

# Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt. 19:26

# Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story. 19:30-38

# Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for the same cowardly reason. And once again, the king just couldn't resist Sarah -- even though by now she is over 90 years old. (See Gen.12:13-20 for the first, nearly identical, episode.) 20:2

# "The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had spoken." And "Sarah conceived and bare Abraham a son." (God-assisted conceptions never result in daughters.) 21:1-2

# These verses suggest that Ishmael was an infant when his father abandoned him, yet according to Gen.17:25 and Gen.21:5-8 he must have been about 16 years old. It must have been tough for poor Hagar to carry Ishmael on her shoulder and to then "cast him under one of the shrubs." 21:14-18

# Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after Jehovah. But according to Ex.6:3, Abraham couldn't have known that God's name was Jehovah. 22:14

# God swears to himself. 22:16

# Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years old (Gen.21:1-2, Rom.4:19, Heb.11:12). But here, when he is even older, he manages to have six more children without any help from God. 25:2

# Abraham lived to be 175 years old. 25:7

# Ishmael lived 137 years. 25:17

# Isaac's wife (Rebekah), like his mother (Sarah), was also barren. 25:21

# Isaac uses the same "she's my sister" lie that his father used so effectively on the same king Abimelech. (see Gen.12:13, 20:2). 26:7

# Jacob names Bethel for the first time, before meeting Rachel. Later in 35:15, just before Rachel dies, he names Bethel again. (And it was called Bethel long before it was named Bethel in 12:8 and 13:3.) 28:19

# Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her [Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was going in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too. 29:21-30

# Jacob goes in unto Leah by mistake. 29:23, 25

# "And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These arrangements never seem to produce daughters.) 30:4

# Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare Jacob a son." 30:9

# Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so, when Jacob cam home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night." Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is teaching us something about sexual ethics. 30:15-16

# And finally, "God remembered Rachel ... and opened her womb. And she conceived and bare a son [surprise, surprise]." 30:22

# Laban learns "by experience" that God has blessed him for Jacob's sake. "By experience" means "by divination", at least that is how most other versions translate this verse. 30:27

# Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats. 30:37-39

# Jacob wrestles with god and wins. God changes Jacob's name to Israel to signify that he wrestled with God and "prevailed." 32:24-30

# God renames Jacob for the first time. God says that Jacob will henceforth be called Israel, but the Bible continues to call him Jacob anyway. And even God himself calls him Jacob in 46:2. 32:28

# God renames Jacob a second time. 35:10

# Jacob names Bethel again. The first time 28:19 the name didn't stick. 35:15

# Isaac lives to be 180. 35:28

# Chapter 36 presents another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") 36:1-43

# Amalek was born many years after his descendants were "smitten." (Gen.14:7) 36:12

# Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up as a prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me come in unto thee .... And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him." From this incestuous union, twins (38:27-28) were born (both were boys of course). One of these was Pharez -- an ancestor of Jesus (Lk.3:33). 38:13-18

# Joseph and his magic divining cup. 44:5, 15

# Jacob lives to be 147. 47:28

# The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million in a few hundred years. 1:5,7, 12:37, 38:26

# The birth story of Moses is suspiciously similar to that of the birth of Sargon, an Akkadian monarch from the 3rd millennium BCE. (BBC: The tale of the basket) 2:3

# God, disguised as a burning bush, has a long heart-to-heart talk with Moses. 3:4 - 4:17

# God shows Moses some tricks that he says are sure to impress. First, throw your rod on the ground; it will become a snake. Then grab the snake by the tail and it will become a rod again. Next, make your hand appear leprous, and then cure it. And finally, pour water on the ground and it will turn into blood. (That ought to do it!) 4:2-9

# God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. Luckily for Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah "took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he [God] let him go." This story shows the importance of penises to God, and his hatred of foreskins. 4:24-26

# God says that Abraham didn't know that his name was Jehovah. Yet in Gen.22:14 Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after God's name, Jehovah. 6:3

# Lehi, Kohath, and Amram join the long list of biblical characters with ridiculously long lives (137, 133, and 137 years, respectively). 6:16, 18, 20

# In complaining about his difficulty with public speaking, Moses says, "Behold I am of uncircumcised lips." 6:12, 6:30

# God tells Moses and Aaron that when Pharaoh asks for a miracle just throw your rod down and it will become a serpent. So when the time comes, Moses throws down his rod and it becomes a serpent. But the Egyptian magicians duplicate this trick. Luckily, for Aaron, his snake swallows theirs. (Whew!) 7:9-13

# After the rod to serpent trick, God tells Moses and Aaron to smite the river and turn it into blood. This is the first of the famous 10 plagues of Egypt. Unfortunately, the magicians know this trick too, and they do so with their enchantments. Shucks! Just how the river could be turned to blood by the Egyptian sorcerers after it had been turned to blood by Moses and Aaron is not explained. 7:17-24

# The second plague is frogs. Frogs covered the land. They were all over the beds and filled the ovens. But the Egyptian magicians did this trick too. (Did they wait until the frogs cleared out from the last performance before doing it again?) After the frog making contest was declared a draw, all the frogs died and "they gathered them together upon heaps; and the land stank." I bet. But at least it was all for the greater glory of God. 8:2-7

# Plague #3 is lice in man and beast. This is the first trick that the magicians couldn't do. After this the magicians were convinced that Moses and Aaron's plagues were done by "the finger of God," and they gave up trying to match the remaining seven plagues. I guess lice are harder to make than frogs. 8:17-19

# The fourth plague is swarms of flies, continuing the frogs and lice theme. 8:21

# The fifth plague: all cattle in Egypt die. 9:6
But a little later (9:19-20, 12:29), God kills them again a couple more times.

# The sixth plague: boils and blains upon man and beast.9:9-12

# Why does God send plagues? So that people can get to know him better. 9:14

# The seventh plague is hail. "And the hail smote throughout the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast." 9:22-25

# Eighth plague: locusts that are so thick that they "covered the face of the whole earth." (Even over Antarctica?) 10:4-5

# Ninth plague: three days of darkness. The darkness was so this that the Egyptians couldn't even see each other. But the darkness knew how to avoid the Israelites, and so "all the children of Israel had light in their dwellings." 10:21-23

# God tells the Israelites to smear some blood on their doors. That way when he's going around killing Egyptian children, he'll remember not to kill their children too. He probably said to himself when he saw the blood, "Oh yeah, I remember now. I not supposed to kill the children in this house." 12:7, 13

# The Egyptians chased after the Israelites with "all Pharaoh's horses." But according to Ex.9:3-6

# God travels in a cloud by day and a fire by night. 13:21 there wouldn't have been any horses, since God killed them all in "a very grievous murrain." 14:23

# God removes the wheels from the Egyptians' chariots. 14:25

# God divided the sea with a "blast of [his] nostrils." 15:8

# Moses casts a tree into the water and makes the bitter water taste sweet. 15:25

# It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 16:35

# God stands on a rock and tells Moses to hit the rock. Then water comes out of it for the people to drink. God's such a clever guy! 17:6

# As long as Moses the magician keeps his hand up, the Israelites are successful in battle, but the second his hand falls, they start getting beat. So when Moses' arm gets tired, Aaron props it up so that the Amalekites get slaughtered. 17:11-12

# "The Lord has sworn [God swears!] that the Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation." So God is still fighting Amalek. I hope Moses can still keep his hand up. 17:14-16

# Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, nobody can see God and live. 19:21

# God tells the priests not to go up the steps to the altar "that thy nakedness not be discovered thereon." (Skirts on stairs are a problem.) 20:26

# If an ox gores someone, "then the ox shall surely be stoned." 21:28

# If an ox gores someone due to the negligence of its owner, then "the ox shall be stoned, and his owner shall be put to death.". 21:29

# "Thou shalt not seethe a kid in a kid in his mother's milk." 23:19

# God has hornets that bite and kill people.23:27-28

# God has feet.24:10

# Six chapters are wasted on divine instructions for making tables, candlesticks, snuffers, etc. 25 - 30

# God decrees that priestly garments, girdles, and bonnets shall be made "for glory and beauty." 28:2, 20, 40

# God's magical Urim and Thummim 28:30

# Aaron must where a bell whenever he enters "the holy place" or God will kill him. 28:34-35

# God gives instructions for making priestly breeches. "And thou shalt make them linen breeches to cover their nakedness; from the loins even unto the thighs shall they reach." 28:42

# God instructs the priests to burn the dung of bullocks outside the camp as a sin offering. 29:14

# God tells Moses to kill a ram and put the blood on the tip of Aaron's right ear, and on his right thumb, and on his right big toe, and then sprinkle the blood around the altar. Finally, sprinkle some on Aaron and his sons and on their garments. This will make them "hallowed." 29:20-21

# God tells Aaron and his sons to take the rump, fat, caul, kidneys, and right shoulder of the ram and add a loaf of bread or two, and a wafer of unleavened bread. Then they put the whole mess in the hands of Aaron and his sons and they wave them before the Lord. This is a wave offering. 29:22-24

# Wash up or die. This is a good verse to use when reminding the kiddies to wash their hands before supper. 30:20

# Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off from his people." 30:33

# And whoever uses God's favorite perfume will be exiled. 30:37-38

# God's finger. 31:18

# Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take off their clothes and dance around naked. God then punishes them mercilessly for following their divinely appointed religious leader. Ex.32:1-35

# Moses talks God out of killing all the Israelites. 32:11-13

# "And the Lord repented of the evil which he though to do unto his people." But how could a good God even consider doing evil to anyone? 32:14

# Aaron makes the people take off all their clothes and dance naked around his golden calf. 32:25

# Although God is too shy to let Moses see his face, he does permit a peek at his "back parts." (The divine mooning) 33:23

# God's name is Jealous. 34:14

# One of the commandments of God is "Thou shalt not seeth a kid in its mother's milk." 34:26

# Moses goes without food or water for 40 days and 40 nights. 34:28

# After meeting God on mount Sinai, Moses had to cover his face with a veil to avoid frightening the Israelites. 34:30-35


# God gives detailed instructions for performing ritualistic animal sacrifices. such bloody rituals must be important to God, judging from the number of times that he repeats their instructions. Indeed the entire first nine chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, and burn it for a "sweet savor unto the Lord." Chapters 1 - 9

# "For a sweet savour unto the Lord." 1:17, 2:2, 2:9, 2:12, 3:5, 3:16, 6:15, 6:21

# "It is a thing most holy of the offerings of the LORD made by fire." 2:10

# When you are making your animal sacrifices, be sure to remember that "all the fat is the Lord's." God loves blood and guts, but most especially fat. And he doesn't like to share! 3:16

# "If a soul shall sin through ignorance...." But how can someone "sin through ignorance?" Don't your have to at least know that an act is wrong before it can be sinful? 4:2, 13, 22, 27

# "The priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven times before the Lord." 4:6, 4:17

# If you touch any unclean thing (like a dead cow or a bug) or the "uncleanness of man" (?), then you'll be both unclean and guilty. 5:2-3

# "If a soul ... sin through ignorance...." 5:15, 17

# Whatever touches the dead body of a burnt offering becomes holy. 6:25-27

# Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't eat fat or blood -- these are for God. (And he doesn't like to share!) 7:18-27

# God gives instructions for "wave offerings" and "heave offerings." He says these offerings are to be made perpetually "by a statute for ever." Have you made your heave offering today? 7:30-36

# Moses dresses up his brother Aaron with "the curious girdle of the ephod." 8:7-8

# God's magical Urim and Thummim 8:8

# Moses does it all for God. First he kills an animal; wipes the blood on Aaron's ears, thumbs, and big toes. Then he sprinkles blood round about and waves the guts before the Lord. Finally he burns the whole mess for "a sweet savour before the Lord." 8:14-32

# Kill the calf, dip your finger in the blood, sprinkle the blood round about, burn the fat and entrails, and wave the breast for a wave offering before the Lord. 9:8-21

# God sent a fire to burn the dead animals and all the people "shouted and fell on their faces." 9:24

# God commands the Israelites to keep doing these wave and heave offerings "by a statute forever." 10:15

# Clams, oysters, crabs, lobsters, and shrimp are abominations to God. 11:10-12

# Be sure to watch out for those "other flying creeping things which have four feet." (I wish God wouldn't get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You'd think that since God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know how many legs they have! 11:23

# Don't touch any dead creeping things. 11:31

# If your hair has fallen out, you are bald, yet clean. And if your hair falls out from the part of your head toward your face, you are forehead bald, yet clean. 13:40-41

# God's treatment for leprosy: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. 14:2-52

# Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a "running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean ..." 15:2-15

# This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself, your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible. 15:16-18, 32

# God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two goats. Kill one. Wipe, smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven times. Then take the other goat, give it the sins of all the people, and send it off into the wilderness. 16:6-28

# Sprinkle the blood and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the Lord. 17:6

# Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20

# "Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman. 18:19

# "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with a mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee." 19:19

# God tells the Israelites that the fruit from fruit trees is "uncircumcised" for three years after the trees are planted. 19:23

# Don't eat anything with blood, don't round the corners of your head, mar the corners of your beard, make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, or print any marks on you. 19:26-28

# Stay away from wizards and people with familiar spirits. 19:31

# If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), then all three of your must be burned to death. 20:14

# Priests must not "make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of their beard." 21:5

# The high priest shall not "go in to any dead body, nor defile himself for his father, or for his mother." 21:11

# Handicapped people cannot approach the altar of God. They would "profane" it. 21:16-23

# Anyone with a "flat nose, or any thing superfluous" must stay away from the altar of God. 21:18

# A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God." 21:20

# A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue", or "whose seed goeth from him", or who touches any dead or "creeping thing" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean." 22:3-5

# God gives us more instructions on killing and burning animals. I guess the first nine chapters of Leviticus wasn't enough. He says we must do this because he really likes the smell -- it is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 23:12-14, 18

# God will make it so that 100 Israelites can defeat an army of 10,000. 26:8

# God describes the torments that he has planned for those who displease him. The usual stuff: plagues, burning fevers that will consume the eyes, etc. but he reserves the worst for the little children. He says "ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it," "I will send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children," and "ye shall eat the flesh of your sons and daughters." But if you humble your uncircumcised heart, God won't do all these nasty things to you. It's your choice. 26:16-41

# The Israelite population went from seventy (Ex.1:5) to several million (over 600,000 adult males) in 400 years. 1:45-46, 26:51

# The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he reports it to the priest. The priest then makes her drink some "bitter water." If she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no harm done -- the woman is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity." 5:11-31

# "And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord heard it." (He had his hearing aid on.) He then burned the complainers alive. That'll teach them. 11:1

# The people begin to whine about not having any meat. So God says he'll give them meat, alright. He'll give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of [their] nostrils, and it be loathsome to [them]." Yuck. 11:4, 19-20

# "As a nursing father beareth the suckling child...." 11:12

# God promises to give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of your nostrils, and it be loathsome to you." Yuck. 11:20

# God sends quails to feed his people until they were "two cubits [about a meter] high upon the face of the earth." Taking the "face of the earth" to be a circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day's journey), this would amount to 3 trillion (3x1012) liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this would provide a couple million quails for each of several million people. 11:31

# "Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth." This is a strange way to describe on of the cruelest men to have ever lived (If he ever did live, which he probably didn't). Moses, as he is described in the Bible, is anything but meek (See Num.31:14-18 for an example of his "meekness"). 12:3

# "If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will ... speak unto him in a dream." Now there's a reliable way to communicate with someone! 12:6

# "And the Lord said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days? 12:14

# "And there we saw the giants ... And we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight." This statement may have been figurative, hyperbole, typical biblical exaggeration, or an actual description of the sons of Anak, in which case they must have been about 100 meters tall. These are the same giants (the Nephilium) that resulted when the "sons of God" mated with "the daughters of men in Gen.6:4 Of course, these superhuman god-men should have been destroyed in the flood. So what are they doing still alive? 13:33

# It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 14:33, 32:13

# God gives more instructions for the ritualistic killing of animals. The smell of burning flesh is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 15:3, 13-14, 24

# "If any soul sin through ignorance ..." but how can someone sin through ignorance? Don't you have to know that an action is wrong for it to be sinful? Oh well, if you do happen to sin through ignorance, you can be forgiven by God if you kill some animals. 15:27-30

# Immediately after ordering the execution of the sabbath breaker, God gets down to some more important business -- like instructing the people on how to make fringes on their garments. 15:38-39

# Aaron is getting better at his magic tricks. He has rod bud, bloom, and yield almonds. 17:8

# Stay away from holy things and places -- like churches. God might have to kill you if you get too close.18:3, 22, 32

# God describes once again the procedure for ritualistic animal sacrifices. such rituals must be extremely important to God, since he makes their performance a "statute" and "covenant" forever. Why, then don't Bible-believers perform these sacrifices anymore? Don't they realize how God must miss the "sweet savour" of burning flesh? Don't they believe God when he says "forever"? 18:17-19

# The purification of the unclean. These absurd rituals, cruel sacrifices, and unjust punishments are vitally important to God. They are to be "a perpetual statute" for all humankind. 19:1-22

# The Red Heifer. Some fundamentalists believe that when a red heifer is born, Armageddon will soon follow. Well, a red heifer was born in March 2002 and has been declared ritually acceptable by the rabbis. So in a few years it can be sacrificed, ushering in, so they say, the end of the world. You can read all about it here in the National Review. 19:2

# God give instructions for burning the "dung" of sacrificial animals. This is something that everyone needs to know about (that's why it's in the Bible!). 19:5

# Moses is punished for hitting the rock with his staff (like he did before in Ex.17:6) to get water, rather than just speaking to the rock (as God asked him to do this time). For messing up the magic trick, Moses will never get to the promised land. 20:8-12

# Moses hits a rock with his rod and Presto! -- water comes out. 20:11

# God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many of them die. 21:6

# To save the people from God's snakes, Moses makes a graven image in the form of a snake (breaking the second commandment) and puts it on a pole. Those who look at Moses' magic snake to not die -- even if they were previously bit by God's snakes. 21:8

# God asks Balaam the non-rhetorical question, "What men are these with thee?" 22:9

# God says to Balaam, "If men come to call thee, rise up, and go with them." Men come, and Balaam goes with them, just as cog had commanded." And God's anger was kindled because he went" -- but he was just following God's instructions! 22:20-22

# Balaam has a nice little chat with his ass. 22:28-30

# God meets Balaam and "put a word in his mouth." 23:15-16

# God has "the strength of a unicorn." Oh heck, I bet he's even stronger than a unicorn. 23:22

# Balaam says "his king shall be higher than Agag." But Balaam couldn't have known about Agag since Agag didn't live until the time of King Saul. (See 1Sam.15:33 where Samuel hacks king Agag into pieces.) 24:7

# God, who is as strong as a unicorn, will eat up the nations, break their bones, and then pierce them through with his arrows. What a guy! 24:8

# God's magical Urim and Thummim 27:21

# In these chapters, God provides ridiculously detailed instructions for the ritualistic sacrifice of animals. The burning of their dead bodies smells great to God. Eleven times in these two chapters God says that they are to him a "sweet savour." 28-29

# It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 2:7, 8:2, 29:5

# God gave the Moabites and the Ammonites special protection since they were the descendents of Lot's drunken, incestuous affair with his daughters (Gen.19:30-38). 2:9, 19

# "A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time." (They must have been much more common back then.) 2:10-11, 20-21

# Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and 6 feet wide). 3:11

# When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he shall fight for you." 3:22

# "Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you neither shall ye diminish ought from it." This verse is one of those that prevent Bible-believers from cleaning up the Bible. So they're stuck with the unedited version. 4:2

# God's favorite people will never be infertile (neither will their cows!) and will never get sick. (God will send infertility and diseases on the other guys.) 7:14-15

# God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy God is among you, a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23

# Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart." 10:16

# After God instructs the Israelites to mercilessly slaughter all the strangers that they encounter (Dt.7:2, 16), he tells them to "love ye therefore the stranger: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt." 10:19

# God says that we shouldn't add to, or take away from, any of his commands. Why then don't modern Bible-believers stone to death blasphemers, Sabbath breakers, and disobedient sons? 12:32

# Don't "make any baldness between your eyes for the dead." 14:1

# This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8

# Don't eat any seafood unless it has fins and scales. Oysters, clams, crabs, and lobsters are "unclean" and shouldn't be eaten. 14:10

# To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. 14:11, 18

# Don't eat any dead animals that you find lying around. But it's okay to give it to strangers or sell it to foreigners. And don't boil a kid (young goat) is its mother's milk. 14:21

# Don't sacrifice any animal with a blemish to God -- he is very picky! 17:1

# God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4

# If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all the elders together, cut off the head of a heifer, wash your hands over its body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!) 21:1-8

# Hang on trees the bodies of those who are "accursed of God." They make nice decorations. 21:22

# Women are not to wear men's clothing -- it's an "abomination unto the Lord." 22:5

# "Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together" or wear wool and linen together in the same garment. But "thou shalt make thee fringes upon the four quarters of thy vesture." 22:10-12

# You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off. 23:1

# God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation." So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God. 23:2

# God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully cover up all feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst of thy camp." (You wouldn't want the divine foot to step in your shit, would you?) 23:12-14

# Remarrying your former wife after divorcing her is an abomination to the Lord. 24:4

# If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in unto" his dead brother's wife. If he refuses, the dead man's wife is to loosen his shoe and spit in his face. 25:5-10

# If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thy eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12

# Cursed be the man that maketh any graven image. 27:15

# "Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife, because he uncovereth his father's skirt." 27:20

# "Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast: and all the people shall say, Amen." 27:21

# "Cursed be he that lieth with his sister ... And all the people shall say, Amen." 27:22

# "Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law: and all the people shall say, Amen." 27:23

# "Cursed be he that confirmeth not all the words of this law." 27:26

# "Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field." I guess you'll be cursed just about wherever you go. 28:16

# "Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out." 28:19

# "And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron." 28:23

# "The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst be healed. The Lord will smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart." 28:27-28

# "The stranger that is within thee shall get up above thee very high; and thou shalt come down very low ... he shall be the head, and thou shalt be the tail." 28:43-44

# The shoes and clothing of the Israelites didn't wear out even after wandering in the wilderness for forty years. They just don't make them like they used to! 29:5

# God will circumcise your heart and "the heart of thy seed." 30:6

# When Moses was 120 years old he could no longer "go out and come in." Yet just a little later (Dt.34:7) we are told that "his eye was not dim, nor his natural forces abated." 31:1-2

# "Their wine is the poison of dragons." I wonder what genus and species the bible is referring to when it mentions dragons. 32:33

# God's magical Urim and Thummim 33:8

# Joseph's "horns are like the horns of a unicorn." 33:17

# Moses, the alleged author of the Pentateuch, describes his own death and burial. 34:5

# The priests were able to cross the Jordan without getting their feet wet. 3:17

# At God's command, Joshua makes some knives and circumcises "again the children of Israel the second time" (ouch!) at the "hill of the foreskins." 5:2-3

# It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 5:6

# God's plan for the destruction of Jericho: Have seven priests go before the ark with seven trumpets of ram's horns. Then on the seventh day, they go around the city seven times. Finally, the priests blow a long blast from the ram's horns, all the people shout, and the walls will fall down. 6:3-5

# Keep yourselves from "the accursed thing". Whatever that is. But be sure to save all the silver and gold for God! 6:18-19

# Joshua and all the elders tear their clothes, fall on their faces, and put dust on their heads. They perform this tantrum because the Israelites lost a battle (God was punishing them because one man (Achan) "took of the accursed thing"). I wonder what "the accursed thing" was? Knowledge, tolerance, kindness perhaps? 7:1-13

# God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them "along the way" as they try to escape. Then he sends down huge hailstones and kills even more of them. 10:10-11

# In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. "Is this not written in the book of Jasher?" Beats me. 10:12-13

# "The Lord fought for Israel." I wonder what kind of weapon he used. Probably the jawbone of an ass. 10:14, 10:42

# "And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the remnant of the giants...." 12:4, 18:16

# "The Lord ... could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron." 1:19

# God promised many times that he would drive out all the inhabitants of the lands they encountered. But these verses show that God failed to keep his promise since he was unable to driver out the Canaanites. 1:21, 27-30

# An angel drops by to rebuke the Israelites for being too tolerant of the religious beliefs of the people they have been massacring. He tells them that since they didn't complete their job (of killing everyone), God will not completely drive them out (like he promised to do). Instead he'll keep some of them around so that the Israelites will be ensnared by their false gods. 2:1-3

# God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them." Well, I hope he got a good price. 2:14, 4:2

# Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Praise God. 3:31

# "The children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he [Sisera, not God] had nine hundred chariots of iron." Yet just a few verses ago (Jg.1:19) God was overpowered by chariots of iron. 4:3

# "The stars in their courses fought against Sisera." Unless astrology is true, how can the stars affect the outcome of a battle? 5:20

# Every male Midianite was killed during the time of Moses (Num.31:7), and yet 200 years later they flourish like grasshoppers "without number." 6:1-6

# Gideon needs some signs to convince him that God isn't lying to him. So he puts down some wool on the ground and asks God to make it wet, while keeping the surrounding ground dry. And God does it, no sweat. But Gideon is still not sure he can trust God, so he asks him to reverse the trick, and make the ground wet and the wool dry. "And God did so ..." Gideon must have been impressed by a God that could do such great things. 6:36-40

# God picks the men to fight in Gideon's army by the way they drink water. Only those that lap water with their tongues, "as a dog lappeth," shall fight. 7:4-7

# The Midianites and Amalekites had an infinite number of camels -- well, maybe not quite, but at least as many "as the sand by the sea shore." 7:12

# Gideon made an Ephod out of camel necklaces that caused "all Israel" to "go a whoring. 8:27

# Abimelech kills 69 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.) 9:5

# "Wine ... cheereth God and man." So God drinks wine and it makes him happy. 9:13

# God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal treacherously with each other. 9:23-24

# "Jair ... had thirty sons that rode on thirty ass colts, and they had thirty cities." 10:3-4

# God was angry at Israel so he sold them to the Philistines. (He had previously sold them to the kings of Mesopotamia (3:8) and Canaan (4:2).) 10:7

# "And the child [Samson] grew, and the Lord blessed him." Samson was one of the vilest of all the vile Bible heroes; Yet he was especially blessed by God. 13:24

# Samson rips up a young lion when "the spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him." Later, when going to "take" his Philistine wife he notices a swarm of bees and honey in the lion's carcass (a Divine miracle -- or just rotting flesh and maggots?). 14:5-8

# Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire. 15:4

# "The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon" Samson and "he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and took it, and slew 1000 men therewith." 15:14-15

# After Samson killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass, he was thirsty. So God created and filled a hollow in the very same jawbone and put water in it for Samson to drink. 15:17-19

# Samson, after "going in unto" a harlot, takes the doors, gate, and posts of the city and carries them to the top of a hill. Why did he do this? Did God make him do it or was he just showing off? The Bible doesn't say. 16:3

# Samson reveals the secret of his strength to Delilah: "If I be shaven, then my strength will go from me." (And I thought his strength was from God.) 16:17

# After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel. 19:22-30

# The Benjamites had 700 left-handed men who could sling a stone at a hair and not miss. 20:16

# God tells the Israelites to send the tribe of Judah into battle and 22,000 men were killed by the Benjamites. 20:18, 21

# God tells them to go to battle again and another 18,000 are killed. 20:23, 25

# God tells Phinehas to fight against the Benjamites, saying he will deliver them into his hand. So the Israelites kill some more people for God. 20:38-41
1 Samuel

# "And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the Lord remembered her." (He probably said something like, "Oh yeah, she's the one whose womb I shut up.") And Hannah conceived and "bare a son [Oh boy, another boy!], and called his name Samuel." 1:19-20

# A disembodied voice calls to the child Samuel three times. The first two times, Samuel thought it was Eli that called him. But Eli figured it that the voice must be God's. So the third time that God called, he was able to deliver his message to Samuel. 3:4-10

# God will do something that will cause everyone's ears to tingle. 3:11

# God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 5:6-12

# After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts," he demands that they send him five golden hemorrhoids as a "trespass offering." 6:4-5, 11, 17

# When the people couldn't find Saul (who was selected to be king by drawing lots), they "enquired of the Lord ... and the Lord answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff." 10:22

# "But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they despised him, and brought no presents." 10:27

# "I make a covenant with your, that I may thrust out all your right eyes." Deals like this can only be found in the Bible. 11:2

# "And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel." People do the darnedest things when the spirit of God comes upon them! 11:6-7

# "Saul ... slew the Ammorites unto the heat of the day." Then he took a little break. After all, killing is hard work. 11:11

# Samuel tells Saul that he's just not good enough for God. So God has chosen someone else to replace him as king. Who is this guy, this "man after his own heart" that God has chosen? David! 13:14

# "An evil spirit from the Lord troubled him." but if God is good, then how could he have an evil spirit? 16:14-16, 23

# Goliath was ten feet tall ("six cubits and a span"). 17:4

# "The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied." 18:10

# "All Israel and Judah loved David, because he went out and came in before them." 18:16

# David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27

# And the evil spirit from the Lord was upon Saul." Poor guy, he just can't keep away from God's damned evil spirit. 19:9

# Saul gets a bit carried away with his prophesying "and he stripped off his clothes ... and lay down naked all that day and night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets?" 19:24

# David acts like he's crazy, scribbles on the gates of Gath, and lets spit run down his beard. All this he did in front of Israel's enemies in the hopes that they would take him in and protect him from Saul. 21:12

# David vows to kill "any that pisseth against the wall." 25:22, 34

# "And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No wonder God liked David so much!) Among those that David exterminated were the Amalekites. But there couldn't have been any Amalekites to kill since Saul killed them all (1 Sam.15:7-8) just a little while before. 27:8-11

# "And when Saul inquired of the Lord, the Lord answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets." 28:6

# Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings Samuel back from the dead. Samuel once again explains that God is angry at Saul for not killing all of the Amalekites. He says God is going to deliver all of Israel into the hands of the Philistines. (Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people, God will slaughter the Israelites. Fair is fair.) 28:8-19

# The Amalekites are a tough tribe. Twice they were "utterly destroyed": first by Saul (1 Sam.15:7-8) and then by David (1 Sam.27:9-11). Yet here they are, just a few years later, fighting the Israelites again! 30:1

# David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites. They are completely wiped out again. (See 1 Sam.15:7-8, 20 and 27:8-9 for the last two times that they were exterminated.) 30:17
2 Samuel

# Abner smites Asahel "under the fifth rib." 2:23
(It seems that in 2 Samuel this is the preferred place to get smitten. 3:27, 4:6, 20:10)

# David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines." Well, he actually paid with two hundred foreskins (see 1 Sam.18:27). 3:14

# After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in unto her." She conceives and bears another son (Solomon). 12:24

# "The wood [forest] devoured more people that day than the sword devoured." It must have been spooky forest to have devoured more than 20,000 soldiers. There were probably lots of lions and tigers and bears. (Oh my!) 18:8

# Amasa is viciously slaughtered by Joab by smiting him "in the fifth rib", of course. 20:10

# The earth shakes, the foundations of heaven move, smoke comes out of God's nostrils, and fire out of his mouth. 22:8-16

# The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 800 guys at one time. 23:8

# David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the Bethlehem well, which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from the well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground. 23:15-17

# God tempts David to take census, though 1 Chr.21:1 says that Satan tempted David, and Jas.1:13 says that God never tempts anyone. Why did God or Satan tempt David to take the census? And what the heck is wrong with a census anyway? 24:1

# Israel had 1,300,000 fighting men in this battle. Of course, this is a ridiculously high number for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 24:9

# God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the census: 1) seven years of famine (1 Chr.21:12 says three years), 2) three months fleeing from enemies, or 3) three days of pestilence. David can't decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children). 24:13

# After God threatens to kill hundreds of thousands of innocent people for a census that he inspired, David says, "let us fall now into the hand of the LORD; for his mercies are great." 24:14

# Finally, when an angel is about to destroy Jerusalem, "the Lord repented." That's nice, but why would a good God have to repent of the evil that he planned to do? 24:16
1 Kings

# God grants Solomon's' request and makes him the wisest of all men. (He was wiser even than Jesus.) He also promises to "lengthen Solomon's days" if he will only "walk in my ways, ... as thy father David did walk." But alas, it was only a dream. 3:12-15

# How could Solomon be "wiser than all men" and yet have his heart "turned away ... after other gods?" (1 Kg.11:4) 4:29-31

# The house that "Solomon built for the Lord" was tiny compared to the one he built for himself. According to 7:1-2, God's house had less than one-quarter the floor space of Solomon's. 6:2, 7:1-2

# God creates droughts by causing "heaven to shut up" as a punishment for sin. 8:35

# When dedicating the temple, Solomon kills 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. 8:63

# "King Solomon loved many strange women. And he had 700 wives and 300 concubines." 11:3

# The wisest man that ever lived (1 Kg.4:31) was misled by his wives into worshipping other gods. 11:4, 15:3

# Joab (David's captain) spent six months killing every male in Edom. Yet a few years later Edom revolted. (2 Kg.8:22) 11:15

# Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4

# There were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the second. To the punish the second for believing the first's lie, God sends a lion to kill him. Get it? 13:11-24

# God kills everyone "that pisseth against the wall." 14:10, 16:11, 21:21

# Did Abijam marry his own mother?
Since Asa's father was Abijam and they had the same mother (Maachah), Abijam was both father and brother to Asa. 15:9-10

# "Asa did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, As did David his father." 15:11

# Ravens bring Elijah bread and flesh for breakfast and dinner. 17:6

# Elijah resurrects the widow's son. 17:22

# God delivers the Syrians into the Israelites hands, and 100,000 were killed in one day. Of those that escaped, 27,000 were crushed by a falling wall. (It was a really big wall.) 20:28-30

# There was this son of a prophet that said to his neighbor, "kill me." But the neighbor refused. So God sent a lion to devour him. 20:35

# God's dog food. 21:19, 22:23
2 Kings

# Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death. 1:10, 12

# When Elijah needs to cross a river, he just smacks the water with his magic mantle and crosses on dry land. 2:8

# Elisha repeats Elijah's trick of parting the waters of the Jordan by smiting them with his mantle. 2:14

# Elisha "heals" the waters by adding a pinch of salt. 2:20-22

# God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head. 2:23-24

# Elisha restores the life of a dead child, but only after laying on him a couple of times, putting his mouth on the child's mouth, his eyes on the child's eyes, and his hands on the child's hands. Finally, the child responds by sneezing seven times. 4:32-35

# Elisha can do all the tricks of Jesus (raise the dead, heal the sick, etc.). Here he cures a leper, but only after the leper dips himself seven times in the Jordan. 5:14

# Elisha makes an iron ax head swim. Neat trick, not even Jesus did that one! 6:6

# Elisha prayed and "behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha." 6:17

# With God's help, Elisha first blinds the Syrians and then restores their sight. 6:18-20

# The Edomites revolt. But how could they have fought when all of their males had just recently been killed? (1 Kg.11:16) 8:22

# One of Jehu's officers called Elisha a madman (which, of course, he was). 9:11

# These verses are so important that God decided to repeat them in two successive chapters. I'd memorize them if I were you. 13:12-13, 14:15-16

# Elisha tells Joash to hit the ground with his arrow. So he smacks the ground three times. Elisha then yells at him, saying he should have struck the ground five or six times. If he had, then he would have completely wiped out Syria, but now since he only struck the ground three times, he'll only get to smite Syria three times. Shucks! 13:18-19

# A dead body is brought to life when it accidentally touches the bones of Elisha. 13:21

# According to this verse, Ahaz was 36 years old when he completed his reign. And 18:1-2 says that he was succeeded by a 25 year old son, Hezekiah. This means that Ahaz fathered Hezakiah when he was only eleven years old! 16:2

# Hezekiah, the son of Ahaz, began to reign when he was 25 years old. His father was 36 years old when Hezekiah took over (16:2). So Ahaz was only eleven years old when he fathered Hezekiah! 18:1-2

# While Hezekiah was busy doing things that were "right in the sight of the Lord," he broke the brazen serpent that God told Moses to make in Num.21:8. 18:3-4

# An "angel of the Lord" kills 185,000 men while they sleep. "And when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses." I guess they all woke up and said, "Shucks, I'm dead." 19:35

# Isaiah, with a little help from God, makes the sun move backwards ten degrees. Now that's quite a trick. All at once, the earth stopped spinning and then reversed its direction of rotation. Or maybe the sun traveled around the earth in those days! 20:11

# God plans to "bring such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle." 21:12
1 Chronicles

# The first nine chapters of First Chronicles are good examples of the "endless genealogies" that Paul tells us to avoid (see 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9). Chapters 1-9

# Seven sons of Zerubbabel are listed, not five as is said in this verse. 3:20

# Five sons of Shemiah are listed, not six as is said in this verse. 3:22

# As if it wasn't boring enough the first time, ten verses from Saul's genealogy are repeated in consecutive chapters. 8:29-38, 9:35-44

# The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 300 guys at one time. 11:11

# David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the Bethlehem well, which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from the well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground. 11:17-19

# The Gadites had faces like lions and could run as fast as deer on the mountains. 12:8

# David's servants had their buttocks exposed. 19:4

# David puts on a crown weighing 1 talent (34 kg). (He had a very strong neck.) 20:2

# According to this verse David's army had 1,100,000 men from Israel and 470,000 men from Judah, Of course, this numbers is ridiculously high for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 21:5

# David provides Solomon with a fantastically large amount of gold and silver with which to build the temple: 100,000 talents of gold and 1,000,000 talents of silver. Since a talent was about 60 pounds, this would be about 3,000 tons of gold and 30,000 tons of silver. 22:14

# "The sons of Jeduthun; Gedaliah, and Zeri, and Jeshaiah, Hashabiah, and Mattithiah, six." But only five are listed. 25:3

# King David collects ten thousand drams (or darics) for the construction of the temple in Jerusalem. This is especially interesting since darics were coins named after King Darius I who lived some five hundred years after David. 29:7

# As usual, the reported amounts of gold, silver, and iron are grossly exaggerated. (100,000 talents of iron, for example, would be about 34 million kilograms.) 29:7

# The acts of David are said to be found in the books of Samuel the seer, Nathan the prophet, and Gad the seer. Were these long-lost books supposed to be in the Bible? If so, how could God allow them to be lost? If not, why does God tell us about books that no longer exist (if they ever did)? 29:29
2 Chronicles

# That Solomon was the wisest and richest king to ever live is undoubtedly an exaggeration. Therefore it is also a false prophecy. 1:12

# Solomon enlists a huge workforce (over 150,000 men) to construct a small chapel. (See 1 Kg.6:2 where the dimensions of the building are given as approximately 90 feet long, 30 feet wide, and 45 feet high.) 2:2

# "Remember the mercies of David." But David was anything but merciful. For some examples of his behavior see 2 Sam.12:31 and 1 Chr.20:3 where he saws, hacks, and burns to death the inhabitants of several cities. 6:42

# Solomon, when dedicating the temple, killed 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. 7:5

# Abijah spoke to 1,200,000 soldiers at one time. (He had a really loud voice.) 13:3-4

# A half million soldiers die in a single God-assisted slaughter. 13:16-17

# In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa, with God's help, kills one million Ethiopians. 14:8-14

# According to this verse, Baasha fought with Judah in the 36th year of Asa's reign, yet 1 Kg.16:6-8 says that Baasha died in the 26th year of Asa's reign. So if both stories are true, Baasha was still fighting 10 years after his death! 16:1

# "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro ..." 16:9

# Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to physicians instead of seeking the Lord. (God disapproves of those who seek medical help rather than "seeking the Lord.") 16:12

# Jehoram began to reign after Elijah went to heaven (2 Kg.2:11, 8:16), so how could King Jehoram receive a letter from him? 21:9, 12

# Jehoram was 32 years old when he began to reign and he reigned for eight years and then died (a 40 years old). After his death, his youngest son Ahaziah began to reign at the age of 42 (22:1-2). So the son (Ahaziah) was two years older than his father! 21:20, 22:1-2

# God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-21

# Pekah killed 120,000 people in one day. 28:6, 8

# If you are interested in learning more about Manaasseh, read "The Sayings of the Seers" -- if you can find it, that is. 33:18-19

# "The LORD his God be with him, and let him go up." Now how's that for a strange ending? Actually, the last two verses from 2 Chronicles are taken from the first few verses of Ezra. It just happens that whoever decided to tack these verses on (for whatever reason) forgot to finish the sentence! 36:22-23

# In verse 11, the total number of items listed in the previous two verses is said to be 5400. The actual total is 2499. 1:9-11

# God's magical Urim and Thummim 2:63

# "The whole congregation together was forty and two thousand tree hundred and threescore [42,360]." Yet if we count up all of the numbers in the list just given in Ezra 2:3-62 we obtain a different number: 29,818. 2:65

# When Ezra hears of the intermarriages, he tears up his clothes, plucks out his hair and beard, and sits down astonished. 9:3

# Nehemiah gets so upset that he shakes his lap. 5:13

# God's magical Urim and Thummim 7:65

# Here we are told that the whole congregation totaled 42,360. But if we just total up the numbers given in Neh.7:8-62 we come up with only 31,089. 7:66

# Nehemiah rebukes the men for marrying "strange wives." To punish them he "contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair." 13:25-27

# God asks where Satan has been lately (apparently God didn't know), and Satan answered saying, "From walking to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down on it." This verse inspired Mark Twain's Letters From the Earth.. 1:7, 2:2

# God gives Satan power over all that Job possesses. 1:12

# God kills (or allows Satan to kill) Job's children, but Job doesn't "foolishly" blame God. Since God was responsible, why would it be foolish to blame God? 1:22

# God and Satan play a little game with Job. God allows Satan to torment Job, just to see how he will react. 2:3-6

# "So went Satan forth from the presence of the LORD, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown." 2:7

# Job asks the important question: "Is there any taste in the white of an egg?" 6:6

# Does God pervert Justice? Well, if you believe the Bible he sure as hell does! 8:3

# Job says "my breath is strange to my wife." Mine too. 19:17

# "His breasts are full of milk." 21:24

# When things were going well for Job he washed his steps with butter and rocks poured out rivers of oil. 29:6

# Poor Job's "bowels boiled." Now that doesn't sound pleasant. 30:27

# Job is the brother of dragons. 30:29

# God speaks to people in dreams and visions while they sleep. (They're called nightmares.) 33:14-16

# "Who can stay the bottles of heaven?" Gosh, I don't know. I didn't even know there were any bottles in heaven. 38:37

# "Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee?" The unicorn referred to here is probably not the single-horned mythical creature, but rather a wild ox that was mistranslated in the KJV. 39:9-10

# Bible believers have identified the behemoth as a hippopotamus, dinosaur, wildebeest, or crocodile. But my favorite is the way these verses are translated by Stephen Mitchell: "Look now: the Beast that I made: he eats grass like a bull. Look: the power in his thighs, the pulsing sinews of his belly. His penis stiffens like a pine; his testicles bulge with vigor." 40:15-16

# "Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a cord?" 41:1-34

# After God (or Satan) kills Job's first set of kids (1:19), he is given an even better set -- with even prettier daughters! 42:13-15

# Job lived to be 140 years old. 42:16

# God made the heavens with his fingers. 8:3

# God's eyelids. 11:4

# Atheists are fools who never do anything good. 14:1, 53:1

# The earth shakes whenever God really gets mad. 18:7

# Smoke comes out of God's nose and fire comes out of his mouth. 18:8

# God curved the heavens and came down to earth with darkness under his feet. 18:9

# God rides upon cherubs and flies through the sky. 18:10

# "The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast of the breath of thy nostrils." (The earth is set on firm foundations and does not move -- unless God blows his nose.) 18:15

# "The Lord is upon many waters. ... The Lord sitteth upon the flood." 29:3, 10

# God's voice is so loud it can break the cedars of Lebanon. 29:5

# Those who fear God never starve. 33:19

# Those "that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing." (Those who are poor or hungry just aren't seeking God enough.) 34:10

# Those who trust in God and do good, will never be hungry. (Those who starve to death didn't trust him or did bad things.) 37:3

# If you delight yourself in God, he'll give you whatever you want. 37:4

# The meek shall inherit the earth." Will they really? In nature they inherit nothing, but die painful deaths from disease, starvation, and predation. 37:11

# The author of this psalm allegedly is David. If so, then it's not surprising that his "loins" would be "filled with a loathsome disease." After all, his promiscuity was legendary, and he probably didn't practice safe sex. 38:5, 7

# God's clothes smell like myrrh, aloes, and cassia. In fact, now you can buy a candle that smells just like Jesus! 45:8

# Wicked people are wicked from birth -- God made them that way. They tell lies immediately after birth (before they can even talk!). 58:3

# According to the psalmist, snails melt. But they don't, of course, they simply leave a slimy trail as they move along. 58:8

# They [the heathen] make a noise like a dog .... Behold, they belch out with their mouths." These are good reasons for God to kill them. 59:6-7, 14

# "The God of mercy" will let the psalmist see his enemies tormented. 59:10

# The psalmist prays that his enemies be tormented and blinded by God. He asks God to "make their loins continually to shake." 69:23-28

# God is so strong that he can break the head of dragons and of leviathan. 74:13-14

# "The waters saw thee, O God, the waters saw thee; they were afraid." 77:16

# "The LORD heard this" (he had his hearing aid on) and became angry, and burned people "because they believed not in God." 78:21-22

# "And he [God] smote his enemies in the hinder parts." (He kicked their ass.) 78:66

# "I have said, Ye are gods." Jesus quotes this verse in John 10:34 to get out of a tough spot. (He was claiming to be God for which the Jews accused him of blasphemy.) 82:6

# "Thou hast broken Rahab [the sea monster] in pieces." 89:10

# The psalmist has a horn that he'd like God to erect -- "like the horn of a unicorn." 92:10

# "The Lord ... who healeth all thy diseases." God heals all diseases. Medical science is unnecessary. 103:2-3

# "He smote ... their fig trees." (God hates figs) 105:33

# God swears. 110:4

# Proud people have hearts that are "fat as grease." 119:69-70

# "The LORD is thy keeper.... The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night." So believers don't have to bother with sunscreen. God will protect them from sunburn, and moonburn too. 121:5-6

# "To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures forever." 136:10

# God "overthrew Pharaoh and his host in the Red sea: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:15

# God "smote great kings: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:17-18

# God is in hell. 139:8

# Even the dragons praise the Lord. 148:7

# "Lean not unto thine own understanding." Don't try to understand things; just accept whatever the bible and your religious leaders tell you. 3:5

# If you give money to God, he will make you rich and you'll have lots of wine. 3:9-10

# God never allows good people to go hungry or the wicked to become wealthy. 10:3

# Bad things only happen to bad people. 12:21

# How to tell the good from the bad: Good people are the ones who get plenty to eat, and wicked are the ones who go hungry. 13:25

# "The eyes of the Lord are in every place." 15:3

# "The hoary head [gray hair] is a crown of glory." 16:31

# "The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching all the inward parts of the belly." 20:27

# "The beauty of old men is the grey head." 20:29

# "The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly." 20:30

# Those who are humble and fear God will live long and prosper. 22:4

# Don't eat dinner with a person who has an "evil eye." 23:6

# "To have respect of persons is not good." (Treat everyone with disrespect.) 28:21

# If you are greedy then you must have an "evil eye." 28:22

# "Every word of God is pure. See Ezek.23:20 and Mal.2:3 for just two examples of the "pure word of God." 30:5

# One of the four "wonderful" things is "the way of a man with a maid." 30:18-19

# "The wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood." 30:33
Song of Solomon

# "We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts ... But my breasts [are] like towers." 8:8-10

# After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men, he set up "a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 4:4-5

# God "will hiss unto then from the end of the earth." 5:26

# "The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 7:18

# God will shave men's feet, where "feet" and "hair" are biblical euphemisms for males sexual organs and pubic hair, respectively. 7:20

# Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then tells Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 8:3

# God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked." God must have some pretty bad breath! 11:4

# "The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of the spiders. Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they continue to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars? 11:6, 65:25

# "And the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 11:8

# Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there. 13:21-22

# Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened to these fascinating biblical creatures? 14:29

# God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander about completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder." In this way he will be just like the Egyptian captives who will walk about naked "with their buttocks uncovered." 20:2-5

# While walking around naked for three years, Isaiah's loins were filled with pain. 21:3

# Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord." 23:17-18

# God will turn the earth upside down, knock it off of its foundations, and then shake and bake it until it "reels to and fro like a drunkard." 24:1, 18-20

# God will punish the leviathan ("that crooked serpent") with his own sword and will kill the sea dragon. 27:1

# God performs a "marvelous work and a wonder" by destroying wisdom and understanding. 29:14

# Natural disasters (earthquakes, storms, fires, tsunamis) are caused by, and are a sign of, God's wrath. 29:7

# Among the many strange creatures mentioned in the Bible that no longer seem to exist is the "fiery flying serpent." 30:6

# "The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that will never come true. Since the moon has no light of its own, but only reflects that of the sun, it could never shine like the sun. And the sun will not, at least not while there are humans to see it, shine 7 times as bright as it does now. 30:26

# God's lips, tongue, and breath are described for us. 30:27-28

# God has bad breath, "like a stream of brimstone. 30:33

# "And the unicorns shall come down with them." 34:7

# Dragons and satyrs may not seem real to you, but they did to the author of these verses. 34:13-14

# An angel of God kills 185,000 men. "And when they [those killed by the angel?] arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead men." 37:36

# God makes the sun move backwards 10 degrees. Now that's a neat trick! 38:8

# God will "go forth as a mighty man" who cries and roars, and "will cry like a travailing woman." After he tires of roaring and crying he'll "destroy and devour." What a guy. 42:13

# Even the dragons honor God. 43:20

# "I have sworn by myself." 45:23

# God engraved the names of his favorite people on the palms of his hands. (As a permanent tattoo or with temporary ink?) 49:16

# "And kings shall be thy nursing fathers." 49:23

# God cut Rahab (the sea monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon, and dried up the sea. 51:9-10

# God will give the cup of his fury to the enemies of the Israelites, and make fun of them for letting their tormenters walk all over them. (The wimps!) 51:22-23

# God shows off his bare arm. 52:10

# "Thou ... didst increase thy perfumes ... and didst debase thyself even unto hell." (God hates perfume.) 57:9

# Bad people hatch poisonous cockatrice eggs. Whoever eats the eggs will die, and when the eggs are crushed a viper hatches out of them. 59:5

# Nations that do not serve Israel will perish. 60:12

# "Thou shalt ... suck the breast of kings." 60:16

# "For as a young man marrieth a virgin, so shall thy sons marry thee." 62:5

# "I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my raiment." (God's clothes will get stained with the blood of humans.) 63:2-6

# Every noble human act, every act of love, courage, and kindness is "an unclean thing", "a filthy rag" to God. 64:6

# Don't eat "swine flesh" (like ham or bacon) or other "abominable things" or God will have to kill you. 65:4, 66:17

# God gives Judah "a bill of divorce." 3:8

# Circumcise the foreskin of your heart or God will burn you to death. 4:4

# "Behold, their ear is uncircumcised." 6:10

# God is angered by children who gather wood, fathers who make fires, and women that make bread for the "queen of heaven" and other gods. 7:18

# "I will send serpents, cockatrices among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 8:17

# God will make Jerusalem "a den of dragons." 9:11

# Don't just circumcise your penis. Circumcise you heart as well. 9:26

# "For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest ... with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold." (God hates Christmas trees.) 10:3-4

# When God gets angry, the earth trembles. (That's what causes earthquakes.) 10:10

# Judah will become a desolate den of dragons. 10:22

# God "hates" his "dearly beloved" people. 12:7-8

# God gives Jeremiah some divine instructions about a girdle. He tells him not to wash it, but to hide it in a rock. Jeremiah does as he's told. But, alas, when he goes to retrieve it, it was ruined. Darn! 13:1-7

# Apparently, the point of the girdle story (13:1-7) was to say that worshipping other gods "is good for nothing." 13:10

# God plans to expose Jerusalem's private parts to the world by lifting her skirt over her head, so to speak. He's seen her commit whoredoms and abominations and whatnot on the hills, and he's getting darned sick of it! 13:26-27

# The wild asses "snuffed up the wind like dragons." 14:6

# God is weary of repenting. (It does get tiring after a while, doesn't it?) 15:6

# God tells us not to trust anyone, not even our family or friends, by saying: "Cursed be the man that trusteth in man." 17:5

# God admits that he does evil things to people once in a while. (Nobody's perfect.) 18:11

# God will make the land desolate, "a perpetual hissing," so that "very one that passeth thereby shall be astonished, and wag his head." 18:16

# God will scatter the Israelites before their enemy. And then, on "the day of their calamity," he'll show them his backside instead of his face. 18:17

# God says he will do so much evil to the people that whoever hears of it will have their ears tingle. 19:3

# And the plagues of God's wrath will make everyone hiss. 19:7-9

# God himself will fight and kill everyone in fury "with an outstretched hand and with a strong arm." 21:5

# God swears to himself. 22:5, 49:13, 51:14

# "The other basket had very naughty figs, which could not be eaten, they were so bad." God hates figs, at least the "very naughty" kind. 24:2-3

# God is really getting into all of this killing. He roars, he mightily roars, and he shouts. 25:30

# God enslaved entire nations and forced them to serve Nebuchadnezzar, "his servant". He even gave him all the wild animals and forced them to serve him. 27:6, 28:14

# God will send his usual blessings upon his people: "the sword, the famine, and the pestilence." He "will make them like vile figs, that cannot be eaten, they are so evil." (God hates figs.) 29:17-18

# Baruch read the words of Jeremiah and all of the people heard him. (He had a very loud voice.) 36:10

# It took thirty men to lift Jeremiah out of the dungeon. (He was a very big man.) 38:10

# "I repent me of the evil that I have done unto you." (It's about time!) 42:10

# "O thou sword of the Lord, how long will it be ere thou be quiet?" Good question. Someone needs to take the sword away from the big guy. 47:6

# God will send such marvelous plagues on Edom that everyone will hiss in astonishment. 49:17

# Jeremiah predicts that humans will never again live in Hazor, but will be replaced by dragons. But people still live there and dragons have never been seen. 49:33

# "Out of the mouth of the Most High proceedeth not good and evil?" Mostly evil, I'd say -- at least if you believe the Bible. 3:38

# Ezekiel begins by telling us what day it is. It's the 13th year, 4th month, and 5th day. But the 13th year etc. of what exactly? 1:1, 8:1, 20:1, 24:1, 26:1, 29:1, 30:20, 32:1, 32:17

# Ezekiel experiences what some say is the first recorded UFO sighting. 1:4

# Ezekiel sees creatures that have four faces (human, lion, ox, and eagle), four wings, and straight feet with calf's soles. Well, maybe he'll feel better in the morning.1:5-10

# Ezekiel sees God's loins. 1:27

# God tells Ezekiel to eat a scroll and to "fill his bowels" with it. He does, and finds it to be as sweet as honey. 2:9, 3:1-3

# The spirit lifted Ezekiel into the air and transported him to the river of Chebar, where he sat astonished for seven days. 3:14-15

# The spirit (of God?) enters Ezekiel, ties him up, and makes his tongue stick to the roof of his mouth so that he could no longer speak. 3:24-26

# God makes Ezekiel lay on his right side for 390 days, and then on his left side for another 40 days. "And thou shalt not turn thee from one side to another, till thou hast ended the days." I'll bet he had some killer bed sores after that! 4:4-9

# God tells Ezekiel to eat barley cakes that are made with "the dung that cometh out of man." (Yum!) 4:12

# God tells Ezekiel to shave his head and beard, divide the cut hair into thirds, burn one portion, smite the second portion about with a knife, and scatter the third in the wind. 5:1-3

# God tells Ezekiel to clap his hands and stamp his feet while saying, "they shall fall by the sword, by the famine, and by the pestilence." 6:11

# Ezekiel proclaims that the world (which is flat and has four corners) is ending. 7:2, 6

# Ezekiel gets to see God's loins again. (See 1:27 for the first time.) 8:2

# Ezekiel sees God's hand come down and pluck out a hair from his head. 8:3

# A sapphire stone that looked like a throne appears in the firmament, and a man clothed with linen is told by God to scatter coals over the city. 10:1-2

# Ezekiel sees bodies, backs, hands, wings, and wheels that were "full of eyes round about."10:12

# Each cherub has four faces, four wings, and four human hands. 10:20-21

# God gets mad at a wall and destroys it, along with those who worked on it. 13:14-15

# "Woe to the woman that sew pillows ... Behold, I am against your pillows." (God likes neither woman nor pillows.) 13:18-21

# Nebuchadrezzar, "king of kings" -- so that's who that movie is about! 26:7

# "And they shall know that I am the LORD, when I have set a fire in Egypt." (The Divine Pyromaniac) 30:8, 30:14, 30:16

# Ezekiel brings dry bones to life to make "an exceeding great army." 37:7-10

# God shows Ezekiel how to join two sticks together. 37:15-17

# God will get so darned angry that his fury will come up in his face so that even the fish, birds, beasts, and bugs will shake when they see him. God will throw a tantrum, toppling every wall and mountain. 38:18-20

# Priests must wear linen when they are in the sanctuary. No wool is permitted. And whatever they wear, it must not cause them to sweat. God hates sweat! 44:17-18

# Apparently, if a priest has been in the temple chatting with God, some of God's "holiness" can rub off onto the priest. And, since God doesn't want just anyone getting hold to this "holiness," the priest has to change clothes. 44:19

# Nebuchadnezzar built a statue of gold sixty cubits high and six cubits wide. Taking a cubit to be 18 inches and assuming the depth to also be six cubits, this would give a total volume of 270 cubic yards -- which would have probably been more than all of the gold in all of the kingdoms of the world at that time. 3:1

# Daniel's three friends were cast into a fiery furnace, but were totally unaffected -- not even a hair was singed. And they were joined by the Son of God (Jesus?), himself! At least that's who Nebuchadnezzar thought it looked like. 3:25-27

# This part of the Bible was written by Nebuchadnezzar. 4:1-18

# Nebuchadnezzar eats grass, lets his hair grow like eagle feathers and his nails like bird claws. 4:32-33

# A detached hand writes upon the wall, and when the king sees it "the joints of his loins were loosed, and his knees smote one against the other." 5:5-6

# Daniel was cast into the lions' den, but they didn't hurt him since God sent angel to shut the lions' mouths. 6:16-22

# "I was astonished at the vision, but none understood it." (If Daniel couldn't understand his visions, then how could anyone else?) This is the one true prophecy in the book of Daniel: "none understood it." 8:27

# Daniel is literally "Touched By An Angel." 10:16

# God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer. 1:2-3

# God acts like a jealous lover. 2:13

# Because of the Israelites' disobedience, the land mourns, and all the animals are dying. 4:3

# "They have made princes, and I knew it not." 8:4

# God can roar like a lion. 11:10

# God will rip humans apart and then eat them like a lion. 13:7-8

# The animals are perplexed and cry out to God after he torments them by burning their food and drying up the rivers. 1:18-20

# "The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand." 1:15, 2:1, 3:14

# God says he will repay Israel for the damage the locusts caused -- which he sent! And they will "praise the name of the Lord." 2:25-26

# "The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood." These "signs" were a lot more impressive before the causes of solar and lunar eclipses were understood. 2:31

# The Lord will roar and the heavens and earth will shake. 3:16

# The divine pyromaniac threatens to "send fire unto" Hazael, Gaza, Tyrus, Teman, Rabbah, Moab, and Judah. 1:4, 7, 10, 12, 14; 2:2, 5

# It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 2:10

# God says there are three or four reasons for him to punish Moab. But he only mentions one: "because he burned the bones of the king of Edom." So God burned Moab because they burned some bones. 2:12

# God destroyed the Amorites who were a race of giants as tall as cedars and as strong as oaks. 2:9

# On the day of God's wrath, brave men "shall flee away naked." 2:16

# God afflicts the Israelites with hunger, drought, thirst, blight, plagues and more. And then he wonders why they don't turn to him. 4:6-9

# God sends the pestilence, kills young men with the sword, and makes t1e "stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils." And yet God still wonders why the Israelites don't turn to him. 4:10

# Many Christians look forward to the "day of the Lord," but according to these verses, they shouldn't. 5:18-20

# "Woe to" musicians. 6:1, 5

# God stands on a wall holding a plumb line while he talks to Amos. 7:7

# God swears "by the excellency of Jacob." 8:7

# Amos sees God standing on the altar. 9:1

# God will "slay the last of them with the sword." Any that try to escape by diving to the bottom of the sea will be bitten, at God's command, by a serpent. 9:1-4

# "We have heard a rumour from the LORD." 1

# "For the day of the Lord is near upon all the heathen." If so, then it must have come and past, unnoticed, long before the birth of Christ. 15

# Jonah believes that by throwing himself into the sea, the storm will die down. And it worked! 1:12-15

# God makes "a great fish" to swallow Jonah. And Jonah stayed in the fish's belly for three days and three nights. 1:17

# Jonah says a little prayer from the fish's belly. 2:1

# God talks to the fish, and it vomits out Jonah upon dry land. 2:10

# "Now Nineveh was an exceeding great city of three days' journey." That would make it about 60 miles in diameter -- larger than Los Angeles! 3:3

# Everyone in Nineveh (pop. 120,000) turned to God? Jonah must be one hell of a preacher! 3:5

# God wants the "beasts" to cover themselves with sackcloth and "cry mightily unto God." 3:8

# God prepares a gourd to shade Jonah's head. Then he prepares a worm to destroy the gourd. What a clever guy! 4:6-7


# God (or Micah?) will "wail and howl" and "go stripped and naked." 1:8

# Micah says "woe" to those that devise evil , but only two verses later, he devises evil against "this family." 2:1, 3

# Watch out for lying prophets that bite (with their teeth). 3:5

# "The prophets thereof divine for money." Some things never change. 3:11

# Tornadoes, earthquakes, and fires are caused by God and are signs of his anger. 1:5

# "Knees smite together, and much pain is in all loins." 2:10

# "Behold, I am against thee, saith the LORD of hosts, and I will burn her chariots." 2:13

# God will "discover thy skirts upon thy face, ... show the nations thy nakedness" and "will cast abominable filth upon thee." 3:4-6

# "God ... had horns coming out of his hand. ... Before him went the pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet." 3:3-5

# "Thou didst walk through the sea with thine horses." 3:15

# God "will punish ... all such as are clothed with strange apparel" or "leap on the threshold." 1:8-9

# God doesn't have night-vision, so he needs candles when he comes to punish the people that say, "The LORD will not do good, neither will he do evil." 1:12

# "The great day of the LORD is near." 1:14

# "Every one that passeth by her [Assyria] shall hiss, and wag his hand." 2:15

# The Singing God: "God will joy over thee with singing." 3:17

# God huffs, and he puffs, and he blows the house down! 1:9

# In "a little while" God "will shake the heavens, and the earth, and the sea, and the dry land." 2:6

# "The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the LORD of hosts." 2:8

# Be careful not to let any holy flesh touch any food or wine, because if you do your flesh won't be holy any more. 2:12

# God sent blight and hail upon the Israelites, yet they still didn't return to him. 2:17

# God's horseman patrols the earth on red colored horses. 1:8-11

# Zechariah carries on an extended, casual conversation with an angel. 1:9 - 6:5

# So, God says to Satan, "God rebuke thee, O Satan?" 3:2

# God has seven eyes that "run to and fro through the whole earth." 4:10

# Zechariah sees a 30 foot flying scroll that burns down the houses of thieves and liars. 5:1-4

# "I was jealous for Zion with great jealousy, and I was jealous for her with great fury." 8:2

# "I [God] will hiss for them." 10:8

# God named two sticks: "Beauty" and "Bands". 11:7

# God "cut off" three shepherds in one month. God's soul and the soul of the shepherds loath one another. (I didn't even know God had a soul.) 11:8

# God will "go forth and fight" for Jerusalem with "his feet" on the mount of Olives. (After he forces all the nations of the world to fight against Jerusalem.) 14:3

# The book of Malachi is anonymous; Malachi is just a transliteration of the Hebrew words for "my messenger." 1:1

# "Wherein hast thou loved us?" Malachi was addressing the skeptics of his day who questioned God's love for them. Malachi explains that God must love them since he loved Jacob, hated Esau, and will be angry with the Edomites forever. 1:2-4

# "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces." 2:3

# "Ye have wearied the LORD with your words." 2:17

# God is robbed by those who don't pay their full tithe. 3:8

# God curses the Israelites for "robbing" him by not paying the proper amount of money in tithes. 3:9

# The gospel of Matthew begins with a boring genealogy like that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 ("Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies") and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies"). 1:1-17

# Judah "went in unto" his daughter-in-law, Tamar, who was disguised as a prostitute. She conceived and bore Pharez, an ancestor of Jesus. (Gen.38:2-29) 1:3

# There are 29 generations listed from David to Jesus in Matthew's genealogy, while Luke's (3:23-31) has 43. Except for David at one end and Jesus at the other, there are only three names in the two lists that are the same. 1:6-16

# John has a good point in v.14. If Jesus is the sinless Son of God, then shouldn't Jesus be baptizing John instead of the reverse? Isn't baptism supposed to forgive sins and be a sign of repentance? If so, then why would Jesus need to be baptized? And what the heck is "it becometh us to fulfil all righteousness" supposed to mean? 3:14-15

# The Son of God is led by the Spirit of God to be tempted by the devil. 4:1

# Jesus forbids the taking of any kind of oath. Yet Christians in courtrooms throughout the United States place their right hand on the Bible swear to tell the truth. 5:34-37

# "But if thine eye be evil...." There's nothing worse than an evil eye. 6:23

# "Behold the fowls of the air...." Jesus says that God feeds them. But, if so, he does one hell of a lousy job at it. Most birds die before leaving the nest, and the few who manage to fly soon die painful deaths of starvation, predation, or disease. If God is caring for them, pray that he stays away from you. 6:26

# Ask, and it shall be given you."
Mark Twain said there are "upwards of a thousand lies" in the Bible. But this is probably the biggest. How many desperate, frightened, broken-hearted parents have watched their children die while begging God to help? 7:7-8

# The devils confess that Jesus is the Son of God. According to 1 Jn.4:15 ("Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God"), then, God dwells in the devils and the devils in God. 8:29

# After Jesus kills the herd of pigs by sending devils into them, the "whole city" asks him to leave. I don't blame them. 8:34

# Jesus gives his disciples "power against unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal all manner of sickness." 10:1

# Jesus tells his disciples to perform all the usual tricks: "heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, and cast out devils." 10:8

# Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few "prophecies" in the Bible that has actually come true). "Brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." 10:21

# God is involved in the death of every sparrow. He sees to it that they each die painful deaths of starvation, predation, or disease. But don't worry. God will do the same for you. (He thinks that humans are worth much more than sparrows.) 10:29. 31

# "Whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven." According to the gospels (Mt.26:69-75, Mk.14:66-72, Lk.22:55-62, Jn.15:18-27), Peter denied Jesus three times before men. Therefore Jesus must have denied Peter before God. 10:33

# John the Baptist is still not sure about Jesus (he's in prison and is soon to die). He sends his disciples to ask, "Art thou he that should come, or do we look for another?" Well, if he isn't sure after seeing and hearing the events at Jesus' baptism, then how can anyone else be? 11:3

# John the Baptist was the greatest man ever to live (even greater than Jesus), but "he that is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he." 11:11

# "And from the days of John the Baptist until now...." Until when? (John the Baptist was still alive when this verse was supposedly uttered.) Jesus continues to bewilder his poor disciples by saying, "The kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force." 11:12

# Jesus believed in the literal truth of the fish story in Jonah. 12:40

# Jesus predicts that he will be "in the heart of the earth" for three days and three nights. If by this he meant that he would be in the tomb for three days and three nights, then either he was mistaken or the gospels are in error. Because according to the gospels (this is one of the few things they all seem to agree on), Jesus was in the tomb for only one day and two nights. 12:40

# When an unclean spirit (whatever that may be) leaves a person's body, he goes out to find another. Not finding any, he comes back with seven other spirits more wicked than himself and repossesses the person. 12:43-45

# Jesus is rejected by those who know him the best -- the people of his home town of Nazareth. 13:55-57

# Herod thought Jesus was a resurrected John the Baptist. Apparently, it was a common opinion at the time (See Mt.16.13-14, Mk.6:14-15, 8:27-28, Lk.9:7-8, 18-19). If so many of Jesus' contemporaries could be so easily fooled regarding John the Baptist, what does this do to the credibility of Jesus' resurrection? 14:1-2

# The disciples wonder where they will get the bread to feed four thousand. But they should know by now, since Jesus just did the same trick in 14:14-21. These stories are probably the result of two oral versions of the same fictitious story. 15:33

# Opinions were divided regarding the identity of Jesus, but many thought that he was the risen John the Baptist. The fact that people could be so easily fooled regarding the Baptist's "resurrection" casts doubt on the resurrection of Jesus. 16:14

# When Peter expressed his dismay when Jesus announced his coming death, Jesus said to him "Get thee behind me, Satan" -- a fine way to address his holiness, the first pope! 16:23

# Jesus says that Elijah, whom he believes is John the Baptist, will come and "restore all things." But what things did John the Baptist restore? 17:11

# If your faith is great enough, you can move mountains around. 17:20

# Jesus tells Peter to pay his taxes with a coin that he'll find in the mouth of the first fish that he catches from the sea. 17:27

# "There be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it." Dangerous words from a guy who recommends cutting of body parts if they cause you to sin (Mt.5:29-30, Mt.18:8-9, Mk.9:43-48). It might make someone castrate himself so that he could be one of the 144,000 male virgins, who alone will make it to heaven (Rev.14:3-4). 19:12

# Jesus lists the "ten commandments," but his list has only six, and the sixth is not one of the ten. The commandments given by Jesus are secular, not religious, in nature. 19:18

# Rich people don't go to heaven. For as Jesus says, "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. 19:23

# Jesus tells his apostles, "ye shall sit upon the twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel." I wonder which tribe Judas is judging? 19:28

# Matthew has Jesus ride into Jerusalem sitting on both an ass and a colt (must have taken some practice!). 21:2-7

# Jesus curses a fig tree and the tree dies immediately (showing the world how much God Hates Figs). But in Mark's gospel (11:14, 20-21) the cursed fig tree doesn't die until the next morning. 21:19-20

# If your faith is great enough, you can not only kill fig trees but move mountains around, too. Whatever you ask for you will receive. (O Lord, won't ya buy me a Mercedes-Benz?) 21:21-22

# If you see the abomination of desolation in the holy place, try to understand. God is trying to say something. 24:15

# "Let them which be in Judea flee into the mountains." Why? Can't God find and kill them there, too? 24:16

# Jesus says there will be "false Christs" that will "show great signs and wonders." Well, Jesus himself according to Acts 2:22 fits this description. 24:24

# Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood. 26:26-28

# The phrase "unto this day" shows that the gospel of Matthew was written long after the events it describes. 27:8, 28:15

# "And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints" arose and walked around, appearing to many in Jerusalem shortly after Jesus died. 27:53-54

# Even some of Jesus' apostles doubted that the allegedly risen Christ was really Jesus. Well if they weren't sure, how could we ever be? 28:17

# "Unclean spirits" confess that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. If 1 Jn.4:2 is true, then these "unclean spirits" are of God. 1:23-24

# Jesus rebukes the "unclean spirit" for saying that Jesus is "the holy one of God." 1:25

# Jesus casts out more devils and tells them not to reveal who he is. 1:32-34

# More "unclean spirits" confess that Jesus is "the son of God." 1 Jn.4:2 says that all such spirits are of God. 3:11

# Although the disciples weren't sure about Jesus even after his alleged resurrection, the "unclean spirits" knew that he was "the son of God." But Jesus told them not to tell anyone. 3:11-12

# Jesus gives his apostles the power to heal sickness and "cast out devils." 3:15

# Jesus' friends think he is insane. 3:21

# The scribes think that Jesus casts out devils by the power of the prince of devils, Beelzebub. 3:22

# A man possessed with "an unclean spirit" recognizes Jesus as the son of God. According to 1 Jn.4:2, 15, this man must have been "of God." 5:7

# Jesus sends devils into 2000 pigs, causing them to jump off a cliff and be drowned in the sea. When the people hear about it, they beg Jesus to leave. 5:12-13

# "Thy faith hath made thee whole." If you have enough faith, you will never get sick. (Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is unnecessary.) 5:34

# Jesus is rejected by those who knew him the best, the people from his home town of Nazareth. 6:3

# "And he could do there no mighty work." 6:5

# Jesus sends out his apostles, two by two, to cast out "unclean spirits." 6:7

# There was much disagreement and confusion about Jesus' identity. Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets. And some (like Herod in this verse) thought he was the risen John the Baptist, even though John had just recently died and the people must have known what he looked like. 6:14-15

# "An evil eye ... defile the man." 7:22-23

# Jesus puts his fingers in a deaf man's ears, then spits and touches the deaf man's tongue. 7:33

# The disciples ought to know by now where they can get enough food to feed a few thousand. After all, Jesus had just done it before (6:34-44). This "doublet" was probably the result of two oral traditions of the same event. 8:4

# Jesus spits on a blind man's eyes. 8:23

# Jesus' spit did not completely cure the blind. So Jesus tried again. He put his hands on the man's eyes and, this time, the blind man "saw every man clearly." 8:24-25

# There were various opinions about the identity of Jesus. Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets. And many thought he was a risen John the Baptist. With credulity like that just about anyone could later be passed off as the risen Christ. 8:27-28

# "Get thee behind me, Satan." When Peter expressed his dismay about Jesus' coming death, Jesus said to him "Get thee behind me, Satan" -- a fine way to address his holiness, the first pope! 8:33

# Jesus heals a boy with "a dumb spirit" by saying, "Thou dumb and deaf spirit, I charge thee, come out of him and enter no more into him." (Sounds like a script from Monty Python, doesn't it?) But how could a deaf spirit hear the words spoken to it? And how could a dumb spirit cry out? 9:17, 25-26

# "All things are possible to him that believeth." 9:23

# The disciples saw some others that they didn't know "casting out devils" in Jesus' name. (It was a popular sport back in those days.) 9:38

# Jesus implies that he is neither good nor God. 10:18

# Jesus says that rich people cannot go to heaven. For "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. 10:25

# Jesus kills a fig tree for not bearing figs, even though it was out of season. He did this to show the world how much God hates figs. 11:13-14

# If you do "not doubt in your heart" you can cast a mountain into the sea (or kill a fig tree, or whatever). 11:23-24

# "In those days ... the moon shall not give her light, and the stars of heaven shall fall." Of course this is nonsense. The billions of stars will never fall to earth and the moon does not produce its own light. 13:24-25

# Jesus says that heaven won't last forever. 13:31

# There are some things that Jesus doesn't know -- like when the end of the world will come. 13:32

# Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood. 14:22-24

# One of the followers of Jesus was a young, nearly naked man who dropped his linen cloth and "fled from them naked" when the priests came to arrest Jesus. 14:51-52

# The true followers of Christ routinely perform the following tricks: 1) cast out devils, 2)speak in tongues, 3) take up serpents, 4) drink poisons without harm, and 5) cure the sick by touching them. 16:17-18

# How could an omniscient being "increase in wisdom"? And how could God increase "in favour with God."? 2:52

# In Luke's gospel, God addresses Jesus directly saying, "Thou art my beloved son." But Matthew (3:17) has God speak to those witnessing Jesus' baptism, by saying: "This is my beloved son." Whatever the exact wording, it is strange that after witnessing this even, John the Baptist is still unsure about Jesus (Mt.11:2-3, Lk.7:19). 3:22

# The devil takes Jesus to the top of a mountain and shows him "all the kingdoms of the world." I guess the world was flat in those days. 4:5

# Devils crawl out of people proclaiming that Jesus is "Christ the Son of God." According to 1 Jn.4:2, 15, these devils were "of God." 4:41

# Jesus heals people that are "vexed with unclean spirits." 6:18

# Invite someone that has hit you to do it again, and if someone steals from you offer them something additional. Don't turn down any borrowers (Do Christian bankers follow this one?), and when you loan something don't ask for it back. 6:29-30

# John the Baptist, who is about to die, is still unsure about Jesus. He sends his disciples to Jesus asking: "Art thou he that should come? or look we for another?" Well, if he's not sure, how can anyone else be? 7:19

# Jesus cures those with "evil spirits." 7:21

# Jesus removes seven devils from the body of Mary Magdalene. 8:2

# Jesus gives his disciples "power and authority over all devils." 9:1

# There were various opinions about the identity of Jesus. Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets; others that he was the risen John the Baptist. With such a credulous populace, is it surprising that some people would later claim, and probably even believe, that they had seen the risen Christ? 9:7-8

# Jesus falsely predicts that some of his listeners would live to see him return and establish the kingdom of God. 9:27

# Epilepsy is caused by devils. 9:39-42

# James and John ask Jesus if they can call down fire from heaven to consume the Samaritans who didn't much care for Jesus' teaching. They'd like to kill people the way Elijah did. But shucks, Jesus won't let them. 9:54

# The disciples are thrilled that "even the devils are subject" to them. 10:17-18

# "I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions ... and nothing shall by any means hurt you." 10:19

# Jesus thanks God that only the ignorant and foolish will listen to him. 10:21

# People who cannot speak are possessed with devils. 11:14

# Jesus says it is impossible to get rid of unclean spirits. If you manage to evict one, he'll soon return with seven others "more wicked than himself" and you'll be worse off than you were before. So just learn to live with whatever unclean spirits that are currently possessing you. 11:24-26

# Jesus thinks that eyes can be evil. 11:34

# Jesus calls his critics fools, thus making himself, by his own standards (Mt.5:22), worthy of "hell fire." 11:40

# Jesus tells his followers to sell everything they own and give the money to the poor. 12:33

# "That which is highly esteemed among men [love, wisdom, honesty, courage, truth, beauty, etc.] is an abomination in the sight of God." 16:15

# Jesus believes the story of Noah's ark. I guess you should too. 17:27

# Jesus also believes the story about Noah's flood and Sodom's destruction. He says, "even thus shall it be in the day the son of man is revealed ... Remember Lot's wife." This tells us about Jesus' knowledge of science and history. 17:29-32

# Rich people cannot go to heaven. "For it is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God." 18:25

# Dead people have no God. 20:38

# Jesus says that everyone will hate Christians, and some Christians will be killed, yet no Christian will be harmed in any way. 21:16-18

# "And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars." 21:25

# "He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one." (Have you bought your Jesus sword yet?) 22:36

# Jesus tells the "good thief" that they will both be in heaven "today." But how can that be since it's only Friday and, according to the gospels, Jesus lay dead in the tomb Friday night and all day Saturday. 23:43

# When Mary Magdalene and the other women gave their account of the resurrection to the apostles "their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not." 24:11

# Two of Jesus' disciples failed to recognize him after his supposed resurrection. Maybe that was because the person they saw wasn't really Jesus. 24:16

# John baptizes Jesus and declares him to be "the Son of God." But later, as he is about to be beheaded, John is no longer sure what to think about Jesus. So he sends his own disciples to ask, "Art thou he that should come, or do we look for another?" (Mt.11:3) Well, if he isn't sure after seeing and hearing the events at Jesus' baptism, then how can anyone else be? 1:29-35

# Whoever enters a pool after it is stirred up by angels will be cured of "whatsoever disease he had." 5:4

# Jesus believes people are crippled by God as a punishment for sin. He tells a crippled man, after healing him, to "sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee." 5:14

# Jesus claims that Moses wrote about him. Where? It's a shame he didn't give us chapter and verse. 5:46

# The people of Nazareth, who knew Jesus well, did not believe in him. 6:42

# Jesus says we must eat his flesh and drink his blood if we want to have eternal life. This idea was just too gross for "many of his disciples" and "walked no more with him." 6:53-66

# Jesus chose "a devil" for an apostle. Oh well, everyone makes mistakes. 6:70

# Even Jesus' family didn't believe in him. 7:5

# Jesus accuses people of trying to kill him. But they say to him, "Thou hast a devil: who goeth about to kill thee?" 7:19-20

# "We be not born of fornication" -- implying that Jesus was. 8:41

# After Jesus makes the foolish claim that those who believe in him will never die, his listeners reply, "now we know that thou hast a devil." 8:52

# Jesus spits on the ground, mixes his spit with the dirt, and rubs the muddy spit on a blind man's eyes. 9:6

# A blind man's sight is restored by washing in the pool of Siloam. 9:7

# "All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers." All the prophets, kings, and heroes of the Old Testament; everyone that ever lived before him was a thief and a robber. 10:8

# Many of those who saw Jesus firsthand thought he was mad and possessed by a devil. 10:10

# Those who believe in Jesus will be able to perform even greater miracles than he did! 14:2

# Jesus says that whatever you ask either him or his father for you will receive. Now how's that for a big lie? 14:13-14, 15:7, 15:16, 16:23

# Now that Jesus has come, non-believers have no excuse for not believing in him. 15:22

# Peter is caught fishing naked. 21:7

# Those who heard the apostles speaking in tongues thought they were drunk. 2:13

# Peter says that their strange behavior (speaking in tongues, etc.) was to be expected since they were living in "the last days." 2:17

# Jesus did a little time in hell. I'm not sure what for. 2:31

# The early Christians were the first communists, living a life that was the exact opposite of George Bush's "ownership society." 2:44-45

# The sick were healed just by touching the shadow of Peter. 5:15-16

# It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 7:36, 13:18

# Philip made "unclean spirits" scream as they left the bodies of the people they possessed. 8:7

# The Spirit caught Philip and transported him to a city miles away. 8:39-40

# Peter has a dream in which God show him "wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls." The voice (God's?) says, "Rise, Peter: kill and eat." 10:10-13

# Sick people are oppressed by the devil. 10:38

# Peter describes the vision that he had in the last chapter (10:10-13). All kinds of beasts, creeping things, and fowls drop down from the sky in a big sheet, and a voice (God's, Satan's?) tells him to "Arise, Peter; slay and eat." 11:5-6

# David was "a man after [God's] own heart." 13:22

# The author of Acts talks about the "sure mercies of David." But David was anything but merciful. For an example of his behavior see 2 Sam.12:31 and 1 Chr.20:3, where he saws, hacks, and burns to death the inhabitants of several cities. 13:34

# Paul "was forbidden of the Holy Ghost to preach the word in Asia." 16:6

# Paul meets "a certain damsel possessed with a spirit of divination." 16:16

# The philosophers in Athens considered Paul a "babbler" who worshipped strange gods. 17:18

# Paul, a guy who converted to Christianity because he heard voices, calls the Greeks too darned superstitious. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! 17:22

# "The school of Tyrannus" is the only school that is ever mentioned in the Bible. 19:9

# After only two years of preaching, everyone in Asia had heard the word of the Lord! 19:10

# Sick people were cured by touching the handkerchief or apron of Paul. And the evil spirits when out of them." 19:12

# Evil spirits know Jesus and Paul. They also jump on people and strip them of their clothes. 19:15-16

# A great multitude cry out "all with one voice" for two hours saying, "Great is Diana of the Ephesians." 19:34

# Eutychus was the first casualty of many long boring sermons. 20:9

# Paul, that "pestilent fellow," is described as a "ringleader of the sect of Nazarenes." 24:5

# Paul is bitten by a poisonous snake and yet lives. The "barbarians" who were shipwrecked with him thought he must be a murderer since he was bitten; but then they changed their minds and thought him to be a god since he didn't die. 28:3-6

# The Jews of Rome refer to Paul's religion as a sect. 28:22

# Paul asks the very good question: "Is there unrighteousness who taketh vengeance [upon innocent people]?" The obvious answer to this is, yes. Paul then quickly adds, "I speak as a man." What else could he speak as? A donkey or a god, perhaps? 3:5

# Paul says that Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years old. But Abraham, when he was even older, managed to father six more children with a new wife without any divine assistance (Gen.21:2, 25:1-2). 4:19

# The guilty are "justified" and "saved from wrath" by the blood of an innocent victim. 5:9

# God punishes everyone for someone else's sin; then he saves them by killing an innocent victim. 5:12

# God gave the law so "that the offence might abound." 5:20

# There is nothing good about Paul. 7:18

# God intercedes with God by talking to, and sometimes even arguing with, himself. 8:27

# Paul says that everyone, even in his day, had the gospel preached to them. Even the Native Americans, Asians, Pacific Islanders? 10:18

# It is wrong to borrow money. 13:8

# Only wimps are vegetarians. 14:2
1 Corinthians

# Poor Paul is confused. First he says that he baptized no one. Well, except for Crispus and Gaius. And maybe Stephanus and his household. He can't remember if he did it to anyone else. 1:14-16

# God saves fools and is pleased with their foolishness. 1:21

# God has "chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise." 1:27

# If you are to be a good Christian you must try to know nothing (except for Jesus, of course). 2:2-5

# Paul establishes his own cult (Christianity) by telling others to follow him. 4:16

# A believer should not sue another believer in court. 6:6-7

# Paul asks if he should "take the members of Christ, and make them members of an harlot?" He further asks, "Know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body?" 6:15-16

# "But to the rest speak I, not the Lord." Really? So this stuff is in scripture but is not inspired by God? 7:12

# Paul says those who are circumcised should "not become uncircumcised." (It's pretty hard to undo.) 7:18

# Slaves should not desire their freedom. Yet they should not be the servants of men. 7:21, 23

# "Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment." So this is just Paul's opinion and is not divinely inspired scripture? 7:25

# Paul, like Jesus and the other New Testament writers, expects the end to come soon. "The time is short." So there's no time for sex or marriage since the world will be ending soon. 7:29

# Don't be an idolater. If you become one, God will make you sit down to eat and then rise up to play. 10:7

# If you tempt Christ (How could you tempt Christ?), you'll will die from snake bites. 10:9

# If you murmur, you'll be destroyed by the destroyer (God). 10:10

# Gentiles sacrifice to devils. If you have gentile friends, then you are friends with devils. 10:20

# In Galatians (1:10) Paul says, "If I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ." In this verse he says, "I please all men in all things." Therefore Paul is not the servant of Christ. 10:33

# Paul says that everyone should follow him -- not Jesus. He'll take care of all that for you. 11:1

# Every man who prays or prophesies while wearing a hat dishonors his head. 11:4

# God likes short hair on men and long hair on women. 11:13-15

# Those who eat and drink unworthily often get sick and die. 11:30

# "Whether there be prophecies, they shall fail."
Paul prophesies that all prophecies will fail. But since this itself is a prophecy, it also will fail (if the prophecy is correct), making it a false prophecy. 13:8

# "But if any man be ignorant, let him be ignorant." 14:38

# This is the verse that the Mormons use to justify their belief in the baptism of the dead. 15:29

# Paul shows his ignorance (and God's) of biology by saying that only dead seeds will germinate. Actually, a seed must be alive to germinate. 15:36
2 Corinthians

# Saved people smell good to God. 2:15

# Jesus, who was without sin, was made into sin. This made the real sinners sinless. 5:21

# Paul set an example for televangelists by robbing some churches. 11:8

# There were these guys that Paul once knew, but he just can't remember whether it was in or out of the body. It was sort of an out of body experience. Anyway, one of these guys was way up in the third heaven and the other guy was in paradise. Cool, eh? 12:2-3

# "Being crafty, I [Paul] caught you with guile." 12:16

# Are you a reprobate? Here's the test: if you know for sure that Jesus is in you, you're not a reprobate. Otherwise you are. 13:5

# Greet one another with an holy kiss. 13:12

# Jesus was cursed by God. 3:13

# The bloody death of Jesus smelled good to God. 5:2

# Those who engage in "foolish talking" or "jesting" will not go to heaven. (Guess where they will be going.) 5:4-5

# "Beware of dogs." 3:2

# Believe whatever Paul tells you to believe, think whatever he tells you to think, and do whatever he tells you to do. 4:9

# "My God shall supply all your need." 4:19

# Paul claims that "the gospel ... was preached to every creature under heaven." This is of course untrue since most of the world was unknown in Paul's day. 1:23

# "Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy." 2:8
1 Thessalonians

# Paul, with his usual modesty, proclaims that he is holy, just, and blameless. 2:10

# Paul would have arrived earlier, but Satan hindered him. 2:18
2 Thessalonians

# Jesus will "consume" the wicked "with the spirit of his mouth." 2:8

# Satan, not God, is all-powerful. 2:9
1 Timothy

# "Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies." If we follow this advice we would ignore most of the Bible -- especially the genealogies found in Gen.10, 1 Chr.1-9, Mt.1, and Lk.3. 1:4

# Paul delivered Hymenaeus and Alexander unto Satan so "that they might learn not to blaspheme." 1:20

# "A bishop must be ... the husband of one wife." Apparently, it's OK for laymen to have several. 3:2

# "In the latter times some shall depart from the faith" by becoming vegetarians. 4:1-4

# Paul, who was something of a couch potato, thought that "bodily exercise profiteth little." 4:8

# Paul advises us to stop drinking water. Rather, he says that we should drink wine for our "stomach's" sakes. 5:23
2 Timothy

# The devil can take us captive any time he pleases. 2:26

# "All scripture is given by the inspiration of God." Even Judges 19:22-30 and Ezek. 23:20? 3:16

# According to Paul, the people of Crete are "always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies." 1:12

# Paul says to disregard "Jewish fables and commandments of men, that turn from the truth." Like most of the bible, maybe? 1:14

# "The grace of God ... hath appeared to all men." At the time this statement was written, only a very small minority had seen or heard about Jesus. And still today there are those who have never heard his name. 2:11

# Paul instructs us to "avoid ... genealogies." Like Gen.10, 1 Chr.1-9, and Lk.3? 3:9

# "The bowels of the saints are refreshed by thee, brother." 1:7

# Paul asks Philemon to receive Onesimus just as though he were Paul's very "own bowels." 1:12

# "Refresh my bowels in the Lord." Amen 1:20

# God swears to God. 6:13

# Melchisedec had no father or mother. He just appeared ready-made by God. 7:1-3

# The heroes of faith (Samson, Jephthah, David, and Samuel) 11:32

# God always hurts the ones he loves. And if God doesn't hurt you, they you are a bastard, not a son. 12:6-8

# Be hospitable to strangers for "thereby some have entertained angels." 13:2

# James says that, even in his day, all beasts, birds, serpents, and sea creatures had been tamed by humans. 3:7

# If you are sick, rely on the power of prayer. It works every time. 5:14-15

# By praying, Elias was able to keep it from raining for three and a half years. 5:17
1 Peter

# The devil is like a lion who wanders around looking for people to eat. 5:8
2 Peter

# Although this epistle claims to have been written by Peter, he was almost certainly not its author. 1:1

# The "angels that sinned" are the sons of God that had sex with human females to produce a race of giants. (See Gen.6:4) 2:4

# Noah was the first drunken preacher (Gen.9:20). 2:5

# Lot, who in Gen.19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers and later(19:30-38) impregnates them, was a "righteous man." 2:8

# The author of 2 Peter believes the story in Numbers (22:28-30) about the talking ass. 2:16

# The author of 2 Peter is aware of the failed expectations of early believers. He knows that Jesus, who was to come soon, didn't come at all. Many have begun to ask, "Where is the promise of his coming?" He tries to cover for Jesus by claiming that "one day with the Lord is as a thousand years." 3:4

# Paul's epistles are hard to understand. And that those who try to understand them, as with the other scriptures, do so "unto their own destruction." 3:16
1 John

# Christians are washed in the blood of Jesus. 1:7

# John thinks he is living in "the last times." He "knows" this because he sees so many antichrists around. 2:18

# Whoever denies "that Jesus is the Christ" is a liar and an antichrist. If so, then there are about four billion antichrists now living. 2:22

# John says that whoever sins is "of the devil." But if what he said in 1:8, 10 is true, then everyone is "of the devil." 3:8

# How's this for a big lie? "Whatsoever we ask, we receive of him." 3:22

# John says that all spirits that say Jesus is the Christ are of God. If so, then the "unclean spirits" in Mark's gospel (1:23-24, 3:11, 5:7) must have been of God. 4:2, 5:1

# John says that the antichrist was already present at the time 1 John was written. So Pat Robertson must be wrong when he says the antichrist is a Jewish man that is alive today. 4:3

# "God is love." See 1 Sam.15:2-3 for an example of what this type of love can do. 4:8, 16

# You're not living unless you've got Jesus. 5:12

# "There is a sin unto death." (But nobody knows what it is.) 5:16

# Christians are "of God;" everyone else is wicked. 5:19
2 John

# Non-Christians are deceivers and antichrists. 7

# "Whosoever ... abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God." 9

# The angels that Jude refers to here are the "sons of God" that had sex with human females to produce a race of giants. ( See Gen.6:4) 6

# Michael the Archangel argued with the devil about the body of Moses. 9

# Jesus has white hair, eyes of fire, feet of brass, and has a sword sticking out of his mouth. 1:13-16

# The book of Revelation was written for, and addressed to, various angels. 2:1, 8, 12, 18; 3:1, 7, 14

# He (John or Jesus) knows "even where Satan's seat is." Wow! 2:13

# Repent -- or else Jesus will fight you with the sword that sticks out of his mouth. (Like the limbless knight in Monty Python's "Holy Grail.") 2:16

# John repeats his description of Jesus, saying he has eyes of fire and feet of brass. 2:18

# God has seven spirits. (Counting the Holy Spirit?) 3:1, 4:5, 5:6

# God recommends that you wear "white raiment" so that "the shame of thy nakedness do not appear." 3:18

# John sees four beasts, each with six wings and "full of eyes." 4:6-8

# John sees a dead lamb with seven horns and seven eyes. He explains that the seven eyes "are the seven spirits of God." 5:6

# "And the four beasts said, Amen." 5:14

# The sixth seal is opened and there is a great earthquake, the sun becomes black, and the moon red, the stars fall from heaven, and mountains and islands move around. 6:12-14

# God tells his murderous angels to "hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of your God on their foreheads." This verse is one that Christians like to use to show God's loving concern for the environment. But the previous verse (7:2) makes it clear that it was their God-given job to "hurt the earth and the sea" just as soon as they finished their forehead marking job. 7:3

# 144,000 Jews will be going to heaven; everyone else is going to hell. 7:4

# Those that survive the great tribulation will get to wash their clothes in the blood of the lamb. 7:14

# An angel threw the censer down to earth, causing thunder, lightning, and earthquakes. 8:5

# "And there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters." In the bible, stars are just little lights that can fall to t he ground from the sky. 8:10

# The fourth trumpet smites one third of the sun, moon, and stars. 8:12

# An angel flies through heaven screaming, "Woe, woe, woe to the inhabiters of the earth." 8:13

# The fifth trumpet sounds and another star falls from heaven. The angel is given the key to a bottomless pit, containing smoke and powerful locusts. 9:1

# God makes some horse-like locusts with human heads, women's hair, lion's teeth, and scorpion's tails. They sting people and hurt them for five months. 9:7-10

# Four angels, with an army of 200 million, killed a third of the earth's population. 9:15-19

# An angel tells John to eat a book. He does, and it tastes good, but it makes his belly bitter. 10:10

# Anyone that messes with God's two olive trees and two candlesticks (God's witnesses) will be burned to death by fire that comes out of their mouths. 11:3-5

# God's witnesses have special powers. They can shut up heaven so that it cannot rain, turn rivers into blood, and smite the earth with plagues "as often as they will." 11:6

# After God's witnesses "have finished their testimony," they are killed in a war with a beast from a bottomless pit. 11:7

# Their dead bodies lie unburied for three and a half days. People will "rejoice over them and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another." After another three and half days God brings his witnesses back to life and they ascend into heaven. 11:8-12

# The dragon's tail smacks down to earth one third of the stars. To the author of Revelation, the stars are just little lights that can fall to the ground from the sky. 12:4

# "And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon." So even in heaven, one can't be safe from war or dragons. 12:7

# John sees a sea monster with 7 heads and 10 horns, and with "blasphemy" written on on each head. It looked like a leopard, except its feet were like a bear, and its mouth like a lion. 13:1-2

# "All the world" worshiped the dragon and the beast. 13:3-4

# The beast goes to war against the "saints". He is given power (by God?) over all nations, and all non-Christians worship him. 13:7-8

# John sees another beast coming out of the earth with horns like a lamb and a voice like a dragon. He could do "great wonders," like make fire come down from the sky. 13:11-13

# The people make an image of the beast that can speak. Anyone who refuses to worship the image is killed. 13:13-15

# John says that wisdom is knowing that the mark of the beast is 666. Everyone will be marked on their right hand or their forehead with this number. 13:16-18

# Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled with women.") 14:1-4

# "One of the four beasts gave unto the seven angels seven golden vials full of the wrath of God." 15:7

# Three frog-like unclean spirits come out of the mouths of the dragon, beast, and false prophet. They are miracle-working devils that gather kings to fight in God's upcoming war. 16:13-14

# "Blessed is he that watcheth, and keepeth his garments, lest he walk naked, and they see his shame." 16:15

# The great whore has "committed fornication" with all the kings on earth. Everyone else is "drunk with the wine of her fornication." She sits on a scarlet colored beast with the usual 7 heads and 10 horns. She carries a cup full of the "filthiness of her abominations" and has a big sign on her forehead saying: "Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the Earth." You'll know her when you see her. 17:1-5

# "They shall eat her flesh and burn her with fire." (Are they going to eat her first and then burn her?) 17:16-17

# With eyes aflame, many crowns on his head, clothes dripping with blood, a sword sticking out of his mouth, and a secret name, Jesus leads the faithful into holy war. 19:12-15

# An angel locks up Satan for 1000 years. 20:1-3

# "The first resurrection" Those who don't worship the beast will become priests and reign with Christ for 1000 years. The rest of the dead will remain dead until the 1000 years is over. 20:4-6

# This verse refers to Jesus as the "bright and morning star", as is Lucifer in Is.14:12. So is Jesus Lucifer? 22:16

# Anyone who adds to the words in Revelation (or to the rest of the Bible?) will be struck with plagues, and anyone that tries to remove anything from it will have his name removed from the book of life. 22:18-19


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